I’m glad Christmas is over. Don’t get me wrong, I love a lot about Christmas. I love the sights, smells, and textures of Christmas. I love the colors – December in Colorado can be very drab and brown, with only the occasional white snow – but the Christmas colors bring life back to the world with the green trees and red, blue, gold, silver, and yellow decorations. And the Christmas smells – cookies, evergreens, hot chocolate, prime rib, potatoes – they make my mouth water and give me a rumbly in my tumbly. The textures are great, too – velvet, silk, fuzzy blankets, puffy pillows, fleece-lined pants – everything is soft and smooth. My senses are appeased in the middle of a bland and rough season on this earth.

But I’m glad Christmas is over because it is a family holiday. First, I have to say that I have a great family that I love very much, and I enjoy being with them every holiday. But I don’t have my own family. I’m 38 and single – no wife or kids to be with, no one to share the joys of Christmas with, no one to start traditions with, no one to sit around the tree with and make memories with. While I am surrounded by my parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, I can still feel entirely alone. (It’s a different feeling, and unless you’ve experienced it I don’t think I can describe it to you.)

The holidays have gotten easier over the years, and I’ve learned a lot about myself each Christmas season, but the loneliness remains. Yet, I hold on to the hope which Christmas brings – God is here with me, ever-present in my life, and always by my side. While I have these desires and longings to be with my own family, I lean on and trust in God’s presence to be with me, always, to the very end of the age.

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On a personal note, thank you for reading this silly thing each week. As I entered seminary this fall I realized that while many people know me, they don’t really ‘know’ me. This has been an experiment in putting the real me out there for all of you to see. It’s been challenging in bearing my all to you, but it’s been good for me (and hopefully for you, too). I’m not sure at this moment if I will continue in the new year with this thing, or if I should do something different. But I would encourage you (as I do myself), to be truthful to those around you in all things – don’t hide who you are, don’t put up facades, don’t be someone you aren’t. Be you – that’s the person we all want you to be, and the person we want to know. May God’s blessings pour out on you in this coming year, and always.

much love. sheth.

“Let go and let God”…I know, I know…blah blah blah… I’ve heard this phrase a million times and it makes me gag. It’s so kitschy but so true, and sometimes the truth makes me sick to my stomach. The simplicity of the sentiment drives me crazy because everything I need to know about walking in faith is right there: let go and let God. But it’s difficult for me because I have this deep-seated need to be in control of any situation that I’m in – in class, in relationships, in the car, at amusement parks (don’t take me…I won’t have fun). If I’m in control, I know what I’m getting myself into and I think I can handle whatever is ahead of me.

Letting everything go and moving into a faith that says ‘God will take care of it’ terrifies me. I wrestle with God, I fight for control, I give God the silent treatment, and when I finally fail at whatever I’m doing I turn it over to God. Sure, it’d be easier to ‘let go and let God’ but…but I’m stubborn, and want control. As I move through life, things have gotten better, and I have given over a lot of stuff to God, but I can honestly say that I still hold tight to many things. So I challenge myself with the question: what are you doing right now that requires faith? What do I have control of in my life right now, and what am I willing to let go?

May God take that which I am willing to release, and may God win the fight to take that which I am holding fast.

much love. sheth.

I have a difficult time moving on from my past. The things that I have done and the things that have been done to me are hard to let go. I often think about what I could have done differently. I run through conversations time and again. I play out all the different scenarios that might have been. I so desperately want to right the wrongs and make good on the bad.

The truth is, my past is my past and I can’t change that – as much as I think I can. But I can live in the present, and hope for the future. God has given me a great gift: I get to wake up each day with a fresh start and choose what to do with it. I can make amends, I can build bridges, and I can mend fences, but I cannot go back and do things differently. “This is the day the Lord has made! We will rejoice and be glad in it!” (Psalm 118:24, NLT) Praise God for fresh starts every day!

much love. sheth.

This is a hard one for me to admit to the world, but here it goes. I don’t feel like I’m often worthy of much of anything – friendship…respect… importance…love. Because of these feelings I tend to either not go for things I can get, or I sabotage myself so I don’t get it. It’s an ugly cycle that I find myself wrestling with a lot, and I know I should think more highly of myself, but I don’t always get there.

The truth is I don’t feel worthy of much, but I really am worthy! “What’s the price of two or three pet canaries? Some loose change, right? But God never overlooks a single one. And he pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don’t be intimidated by all this bully talk. You’re worth more than a million canaries” (Luke 12:7, MSG).

I stumbled across this song “Worthy” by Bettye Lavette a while back, and it crushed me because it speaks the truth: “But finally, finally a voice came through, oh, and said that I was worthy…worthy! What a thing to claim! Worthy, worthy! Ashes into flames…worthy!”

God is crazy about me and thinks I’m worth more than anything in this world. I’ll keep reminding myself of this everyday until I truly realize it and truly believe it in the deepest parts of my soul. I am worthy!

much love. sheth.

Lately, I find myself on the precipice of crying. It seems anything is apt to set me off: a song in church, something spoken during chapel, a conversation with a classmate, a story on the radio, some fancy quote on Facebook. Just one little thing will make my eyes tear up and I can’t control it.

I’ve been wondering what the heck is going on because this is not normal for me. I’ve never been one who cries out of the blue – I have always been one of those steady, staid, calm people who seemingly shows no emotions. Not emotionless – just not expressive with my emotions. And now all this leaking…it’s kind of annoying.

But it’s good, because I know God is working on me. I know I’m changing and I know things are happening over which I have no control. It’s just odd for me to experience this whole new set of expressions in my life. God is changing my heart and resetting my soul.

much love. sheth.

I hold my cards close to my chest. I don’t share of myself as often as I should because it’s scary for me to be an open book.

But, I’ve found that it’s necessary to be vulnerable with those around me. For me to truly care about others and to love them, I have to allow others to care and love me for who I am – even the parts I am afraid to show.

Walk with me through life and ask me questions; put a little pressure on me and I’ll open up to you. And, be patient with me…I’ll show you my cards eventually!

much love. sheth.

I am a terrible Christian. I don’t pray all the time, there are stretches when my Bible isn’t opened, I don’t always give as much as I should. I’m not always nice, my words aren’t always kind, my actions aren’t always as good as they should be.

I’m a stumbling, clumsy, inconsistent Christian. Some days I’m going hard after God, yet most days I’m wandering the trail trying to figure out where I am.

But I’m okay with that. I don’t long to be a saint or a great preacher. I long to be known as a person who loved God, served others, and was trying to grow in his walk. I want to have more victories than defeats.

I’m not a fan of change. I had to make a big change in coming to school, and it scared me and made me feel super uncomfortable. I had to change everything – friends, cities, brain usage, churches, views (physical and mental), food, local hangouts…the list can go on for days. I still struggle with embracing the change because I’m uncomfortable where I am, but I’m at least embracing the uncomfortable-ness. And that’s a start. Change is hard for almost everyone, and it’s important to recognize that in other people.

much love. sheth.

In my head I’m always comparing myself to others. Especially here at school where I feel like I don’t know anything. I’ve always felt like I’m in competition with others in many aspects of my life – money, cars, education…human stuff. I’m always trying to live up to other people’s standards of the way they live their lives.

Daily I need to remind myself that I’m not in competition with anyone else – I just need to try to make myself better according to His standards and become all that God wants me to be.

much love. sheth.

Most of the talk here at seminary is, surprisingly enough, about God. And most of the time it’s deep and serious. I spend a lot of my time trying to understand God.

Honestly, sometimes when I try to understand God I only end up moving further away from Him. In the middle of all this analysis and intellectualism, I can feel so distant. But what I need to do is just be with God. Being with Him in the way that I am with my friends – eating, talking, and laughing. I forget almost every day about just being with my Lord and sharing a good chuckle.

much love. sheth.