Category: Seminary

Truth: Social Media

by ShethChristianity / Friends / Life / Love / Relationships / Seminary / Social Media / Truth Tuesday1 Comment on Truth: Social Media

I am not a good user of Facebook.  I don’t often update my photos, and when I do I usually delete the old photo.  I don’t change my status – lately it’s just been links to my blog.  I rarely ‘like’ someone’s posts and I even more rarely comment on them.  I don’t send friend requests, I don’t click on ads, I don’t follow social media stars, and I rarely join groups.  I am the poster-child for poor social media presence.

My lack of use is partially because I don’t really care to do any of it, and part of it is because I don’t see the point in it – especially with commenting.  I am amazed at the number of people who choose to comment on Facebook posts and it intrigues me when a comment is made on a post that has zero connection to the commenter.  When I’m scrolling through Facebook I may see a picture and think, Ha! That is true! or Well, that’s completely false.  Rarely do I stop, pull up my keyboard, and go to town on the various points as to why it’s a lie or why it made me laugh.

A few months back a friend of mine posted about how he was feeling diminished as a person and people still treated him horribly even though he has just as many rights as the next individual.  Because it’s just a thing I do, I wanted to uplift and encourage him, so I offered words of hope and reminded him that he is valued and cherished.

As with most Facebook postings, someone commented on my comment and said that my words weren’t necessary because our mutual friend already knew these things.  This person went on to say that it was a larger issue and work needed to be done to fix the problems that perpetuate people’s thinking about race, culture, and ethnicity.  They tried to engage me several times to discuss their points and why I was incorrect.

I just wanted to be nice to my friend.

While I wanted to offer some encouragement, both me and my comment were both mowed down by calls against systemic racism and perpetual injustices.  While yes, we do need to stand up against these things, I know that I wasn’t wrong in my initial comment.  My friend needed to be reminded of who he is and that he is valued.

 

There are a few things I’m taking away from this situation:

  1. I need to recognize and acknowledge that some people are going to want to argue, no matter what. They’re always going to be holding up the banners against injustice, against tyranny, against systemic issues, no matter the context or discussion.  We need those people in this world and I need to help those people use their skills in real-life communications.
  2. I have a valuable part in this work. While I am not the up-front talker, I can be the behind-the-scenes person who supports others and I’m just as valuable as they are.  I don’t have to march, protest, or argue all the time – especially if it’s not what I’m good at.  But I should do what I can to help people who are good at those things.
  3. Words of encouragement are always – always – helpful and necessary.

It’s easy to get on social media to call out wrongs and argue away at the issues.  It’s much more difficult to hold our tongues and scroll on by.  I think it would benefit us all if we did the latter, and I think it would be even better if we chose to have those discussions in person.  May God give us patience with one another, may we know when to speak up, and above all else, may we always love and encourage one another.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Not Enough.

by ShethChristianity / Friends / Life / Loneliness / Love / Seminary / Truth Tuesday1 Comment on Truth: Not Enough.

This past week I spent a few days at the Mount Carmel Retreat Center in Dallas, partially for my Spirituality class and partially for personal reasons.  The truth is I’ve been struggling with feeling like I’m not ‘enough’ – not good enough, smart enough, lovable or loving enough, wise enough, holy enough, worthy enough, generous enough.  My feelings of ‘not-good-enough’ have kept me at arm’s length from God, from my family and friends, from my schoolwork and relationships because if I’m not ‘enough’ then what’s the point in continuing on with them?

I felt I had to be faultless and flawless before I could go to God, and I had to be the most Christian of Christians in order to maintain the relationship.  I had to be the absolute and ideal son for my parents.  I had to be the unequivocal and unmatchable boyfriend.  I had to be the matchless and impeccable friend.

I’ve burned more than my fair share of bridges because of this feeling of not being enough.  I’ve ended relationships, dropped out of courses, cut off friendships, and tip-toed around God because I didn’t think I was enough.  While I’ve wanted to be married, have close friendships, and a close walk with God, I’ve turned tail and ran because I didn’t think I was able to reach these self-perceived expectations of being ‘enough’.

As I spent these past few days in the silence of the monastery I came to the realization that I am, honestly, not good enough. And I’ll never be good enough.  I’m never going to be the perfect son, boyfriend, or friend.  I’m never going to be the best student, pastor, or Christian.  I’m never going to be the most giving, generous, and kind person.

My not enough is, in fact, enough.

In my journal, I scribbled down this letter to myself:

Seriously, Sheth, God loves you.  You!  Not the impostor, not the poseur, not the image you try to maintain.  God loves you in your broken, faulty, sinful, unkempt, messiness.  God sees through the falsehood (and hopes you will, too) and knows that that Sheth is the true Sheth.  You don’t have to be perfect to receive God’s love.  You don’t have to have everything in order and your life looking pretty.  You don’t have to be enough for God to love you completely.  God loves you, Sheth.

I know it’s difficult to fathom…it’s hard to comprehend…and frankly a little terrifying.  But it’s the truth.  You’ve had moments when you felt it and knew this truth, but you ran away from it because it’s so beyond your knowledge and understanding.  But somehow you can just know it, believe it, and revel in it’s goodness.

Sure, it’s terrifying on one hand to know that God loves you – God who created all, who can destroy all, who is everywhere, every time, always – God loves you.  That’s scary.

But on the other hand it’s comforting to know that God loves you – you…a bit on this earth, a mere blip on the timeline…as small and insignificant as you are, Sheth, God loves you…you!  You!  God knows you and loves you!

Moments will come (probably tomorrow) when you don’t feel loved, when you don’t feel lovable, when you don’t feel like you’re enough for any of it.  Nonetheless, God loves you still.  No matter what you do or how you act or where you go, God will not stop loving you.

Sheth…I hope you can understand this…I mean, truly in your heart of hearts understand this: God loves you.

I’m not enough – and I never will be enough – and that’s okay.  I don’t need to be enough for God to love me.  I don’t need to be enough for my family to love me.  I don’t need to be enough for my girlfriend, my friends, or my professors to love me.  All I need to be is me – the real me, the true me, the not-enough Sheth who will relish the love and affection that is poured on me.

May we know that God loves who we are, where we are, and desires to be with us.  And may we realize each day that our not-enough is enough.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Laugh With Me

by ShethChristianity / Friends / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Laugh With Me

I love a good joke. I love sitting around with friends, telling jokes, and getting those laughs that leave us all breathless and crying. I love the way it makes me feel, the way it gives me release from my troubles, the way it can ease my mind for the briefest of moments. I think God knew that this world was going to be difficult and challenging, and our Creator made sure to give us a little something to ease the difficulties.

The truth is that I sometimes forget how precious a laugh can be and how long it can last in my memory. Late nights with friends here in seminary, sitting in the grass, ping-ponging jokes to one another. Christmas nights around the family table, watching my dad and sister-in-law take something small to exaggerated proportions and ending in laughter-tears. Family dinners at Grimo’s, my grandma laughing as my brother and I try to pronounce the Italian dishes. Standing in line at the grocery store and having a good laugh with a stranger about the scandalous cover of People magazine. These small moments have had lasting impressions on me, and have shown me just how valuable this gift is for me…for us.

Maybe I’ve been wearing rose colored glasses, but I always hoped that this world would be a better, kinder, more loving place…with a lot of laughs along the way. But when I turn on the news or scroll through social media, I see more vitriol than I can take. This world is so chaotic – I see and hear more arguments than I ever thought I’d witness in my lifetime.

It’s difficult to find moments where we can laugh, and I think too often we skip over the small moments when we should laugh. I think we’re so stuck in our arguments, so stuck in our minds, so stuck in our positions that we don’t see those moments. If we’re going to make it in this world, we need to laugh. We need to find those funny moments and ride them out together.

May God give us opportunities to have moments of aching bellies, teary-eyes, and loss of breath filled with laughter. May we take the time to laugh, to enjoy this gift we’ve been given, and to make spaces for more laughter in our lives.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Anger

by ShethChristianity / Life / Love / Relationships / Seminary / Truth Tuesday2 Comments on Truth: Anger

Either asking me or those closest to me, people often wonder if I ever get angry.  I usually respond by repeating a line from the old T.V. show The Incredible Hulk: “You won’t like me when I’m angry.”  While kind of cool and mysterious, it’s also an ashamedly apt descriptor of what people feel when I’m angry.  While I have yet to meet anyone whom I like when they are angry, I despise myself in those moments because the worst part of who I am comes out.

The truth is that I don’t know how to deal with my anger which is why so few people have witnessed me in that emotion, and why I don’t often express it.  And just like any emotion, if it’s not utilized, it can be destructive when it rears its head.  On those rare occasions when I do pop the top on my bottled up anger, it all comes out.  I’m like a bottle of Coke and a Mentos has just been dropped in.  Everything that has been making me angry since the last explosion comes raging out of my mouth, and God help the people who are around me in that moment.

I usually start with the immediate thing that set off the chain reaction and in an extended rant, I use every foul adjective I can come up with to describe it all.  And then the stuff that’s been hiding comes spewing out: that thing that happened yesterday; that person that cut me off in traffic last week; the time a fellow student said something ridiculous in class.  I don’t always know where this stuff is coming from and am often surprised by all the hidden history that exudes from my mouth.  When all is said and done and I’m exhausted – mentally and emotionally – I put the cap back on the bottle and go on with my life.

I’m not proud of the things that I say when this happens, and I’m definitely not proud that I don’t have a better handle on this emotion.  I often wonder if I don’t express my anger because I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings or if I bottle it up because anger isn’t an attractive personality trait.  I wonder if anger is ‘Christian’ (whatever that means) or if I hold it back because I know how ugly I get and don’t want to subject others to my tirades.

 

If I’m to be wholly ‘me’ and all that I am, I have to recognize that anger is part of me.  I think it’s part of all of us – it’s a God-given emotion.  But it’s how we deal with it, how we act it out, how we use it that makes it either ‘good’ or ‘bad’.  Anger can be a good thing and is a valid emotion that can produce good and useful outcomes: MLK and civil rights, Gandhi and Indian Independence, the 1968 Prague Spring.

I’m reminded of Ephesians 4:25-26: “So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another.  Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger…”  We are given the opportunity to be angry, though it is followed by one condition – do not sin.  We should always speak the truth with whomever we are with, and we can be angry (if warranted), but we shouldn’t sin in the process.

In my anger I sin because I don’t speak truthfully to my neighbor.  I don’t voice my anger at what they are doing and allow the offense to continue.  In my anger I sin because I direct my anger at the person and not at the content which made me angry: You’re making me angry! vs. Your action is making me angry.

I think it’s important to understand this small distinction because it keeps anger from being hurtful: be angry at the offense, not the offender.  Be angry at the systems, not at those people in power.  Be angry at the issue, not those around it.  We can be angry at what we do to one other, and it should be called out and resolved, but we should cover those offenses with love after they’ve been dealt with.

In no way am I saying that this is easy.  In no way am I saying that I’m going to do this correctly from here on out.  But I’m going to try.  I’m going to call out what angers me, tell those around the situation that it angers me, and I’m going to direct my energy toward fixing it.  And I’m going to love…as much as I can, I’m going to love.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Confession

by ShethChristianity / Life / Love / Prayer / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Confession

I’m taking a class called ‘Spirituality for Church Leaders’ and it’s kind of a double-edged sword for me.  I know that I need to experience more ways to connect with God, but at the same time I’m very reserved and suspicious of new things.  While I’m learning new ways to pray and express myself in the presence of my Creator, I’m also running this mix tape through my mind: Is this really going to make a difference?  Is that too far into the unknown?  What if someone sees me?  Do I need to do this, or can I get away with less?

One of my biggest struggles came last week as Dr. Johnson sat in the front of the class, gently stroked his snow-white beard, and then instructed us to write a prayer of confession: “I want you to write down everything you need to confess to God.”  Part of his wisdom (and a source of my frustration) is that he doesn’t go into great detail with these things – whatever we feel we need to do, we’re to do it.

Truthfully, while I knew that God knew all that I did, my having to admit those errors was difficult.  I sat staring at my sheet of paper for what seemed like ages, mulling over the assignment: Do I write down what I feel guilty about, or do I write down the easy stuff that won’t be too bothersome to admit?  How much confessing can I do and still make it count?  What exactly do I need to confess?  What if someone finds this sheet of all my sins?

I know, too, what constitutes a sin, so this confession thing shouldn’t be that hard.  The things that hurt me, the things that hurt others, the things that hurt God – those are sins.  The things that are not done with love, the words spoken in resentment, the cold shoulders given to people I don’t like – those are sins.  Putting love of others or things before my love of God, desiring more than I have (and not being thankful for any of it), being jealous that so-and-so is spending more time with others than me – those are sins.

I know what sins are because I do them all the time.  But I’m not good at telling God all about it.  When I was a child, I accidentally broke the car antenna off of a neighbor’s car.  Immediately after it happened I began to cry because I knew I’d have to tell my parents, and I’d get in trouble, so I tried my best to make it look like nothing happened.  When I sin, I feel guilt and remorse, but it doesn’t always push me into confession…because if I confess, I’m going to have to face the consequences.  I’m more afraid of God’s wrath than I am at understanding that I have a loving God who’s ready to forgive.

 

One of the great things we do in the Presbyterian church is a prayer of confession – it’s a time to reflect on our lives and admit where we’ve missed the mark.  I’ve come to appreciate this time because I don’t do it often enough in my life.  I don’t readily acknowledge where and when I’ve sinned (because if you don’t admit it, it didn’t happen…right?).

One of the other great things we have is “a strong affirmation of trust in the forgiving grace of a loving God.”[1]  In this time of affirmation we are assured that God loves us, is more than willing to forgive us, and welcomes us with open arms.

As I get more comfortable with confession, I know that I’ll get more comfortable with God’s love.  And vice versa.  I learned with my parents that I need to tell them everything because they love me and want to help me be better, do better, and live better.  The same goes with God – I need to confess where I’ve made a mess and receive the gift of forgiveness.  May I be strong enough to confess my sins, and may I be weak enough to admit I need God’s love.

much love. sheth.

[1] The Theology and Worship Ministry Unit, Book of Common Worship (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 1993), 89.

Truth: 4 pm

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When I went through a very difficult period of my life I ended up taking anti-depressants, and they were a valuable part of my life for a time.  While they kept me from feeling depressed and sad, they actually kept me from feeling much of anything.  I wasn’t depressed (which was good), but I wasn’t happy, either…I wasn’t much of anything.

I took that medication for a time and when I came off of it I was greeted with all kinds of feelings that I had forgotten about.  Laughter was from my soul; happiness was found in the oddest of places; coffee commercials made me cry.  I had all these rediscovered feelings and I was unsure if I was ‘doing’ them correctly.

 

And I didn’t always know how to name what I was feeling.  I ended up using a ‘feelings wheel’ like the one above.  It lists all kinds of words for feelings and emotions, and it was helpful to pinpoint exactly what was going on within me.

Last week I briefly spoke with my mom and amid the conversation she asked if I was feeling okay.  She commented that I didn’t sound well and was concerned for me.  I admitted that I was fine – and I was – and we continued our quick check-in.

I told the truth to my mom because I am fine.  Things are good.  School is busy but useful and I’m gaining knowledge and wisdom.  My jobs on campus are keeping me busy and I think I’m doing good things through them.  My relationships are steady and I have many good friends that keep me entertained, engaged, and satisfied.  Honestly, life is fine and good.  But there’s been something not quite right and I haven’t been able to identify it.

This morning I went to chapel and it was a good service.  We sang songs, we prayed, and we heard the sermon – it was chapel in all its goodness.   As Dr. Rigby finished the liturgy for the Table, she said something along the lines of, “Come, eat, the table is set” and in that moment a small voice in my head said …but…but, I’m not hungry...

It was at that moment that I realized what I’ve been feeling, or, in my case, what I haven’t been feeling: I’m not hungry.  My life feels like 4 pm – lunch has been eaten and is nearly forgotten and yet I’m not hungry for dinner, either.  I’m not excited for what’s next, and I’m not able to enjoy what had come before.

Life is good, things are going as planned, and I’m doing all the correct things, but I’m not hungry.  I’m making decent grades, in a great relationship, and have a healthy social life, but I’m not hungry.  Life is far from routine, I’m doing unexpected things, and I’m satisfied.  But I’m not hungry.

I’m not hungry for my future, for what may come next, for where I’m going.  I’m not hungry to help others, to serve those around me, to love my neighbor.  I’m not hungry to learn more about God, about the scriptures, about why I’m here.  I’m not hungry.

I think it’s more than okay to not be hungry, but it’s a little disconcerting that I am not expecting another meal in the future.  I don’t know what my next meal is going to be or where it will come from; I don’t entirely remember what my last meal tasted like or how satisfying it was.  I’m kind of in this limbo right now, this 4 pm of life, and it’s not bad, but it’s not entirely good.

God, grow in me a deep hunger, a deep desire for more.  May my life rumble and grumble with expectation for the coming meal, and may I once again find that desire for more than what I have had.

much love. sheth.

 

P.S. – Seriously, I’m good…I’m fine…just wanting to be hungry.

Truth: Emulate

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Last week I was given this prompt for one of my classes: Why do you support, believe in, follow, or wish to emulate …. (the person, organization, etc., of importance to you)?  On the surface, it was a rather simple exercise and I could have easily gone for one of the softball-sized answers that came to my mind.  I could have listed my parents, Thomas Merton, or Saint Francis – there are a lot of good people to emulate.  But for some reason (I like to make my life difficult) I didn’t want to go that route and I wrestled with being brutally honest with myself.

There are a few truths I have heard about my life: I know that I am a child of God, I am a friend of Christ, and I am accepted.  I know I am holy and beloved, chosen by God, and am a new creature.  I know I am set free.  I have heard, recited, and known these descriptors of myself for a long time.  But while these words describe the person God sees me as, I don’t always believe God’s vision.  If I’m honest, I wish to emulate the person God knows me to be; I wish to emulate who God sees in me.

It’s an odd thing, because I can tell others that they are summed up by these scriptural qualities, and I thoroughly believe that they are these things.  But my scrutinizing self-doubt and savage self-condemnation keep me from fully living into these truths. Instead, I lean into falsities:  I’m not good enough.  I’m not holy enough.  I’m not worthy enough.  I don’t always do what’s right.  I don’t always speak love.  I am more displeased, irritated, and unforgiving of my own short-comings than I am with someone else’s.  I can overlook my neighbor’s terrible sins against me but I can’t get over my own little misstep that did no harm but to myself.

 

When I discover “that the least amongst them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders, the very enemy himself – that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness – that I myself am the enemy who must be loved,”¹ that is when I know my truest self.  And that is when I will begin to know the real ‘me’ whom God sees.  When I understand who I am in God’s eyes, when I can honestly emulate that person, and when I can love myself intensely and freely then I will be free to love others just as passionately.

If I can emulate who God sees me as, I can love – love God, love myself, and love my neighbor.  When I set free within my soul – within my deepest being – the love and compassion of God to conquer my heart and accept myself as the person God knows me to be, that is when I will truly live and love.

much love. sheth.

1  Carl Jung, Modern Man in Search of a Soul, (London: Kegan Paul, Trench, Trubner & CO LTD, 1933), 271-272.

Truth: My Thing.

by ShethChristianity / Essay / Life / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: My Thing.

I was avoiding reading yesterday by watching The Road to Freedom: The Vernon Johns Story on TV.  I stumbled across it and stopped because I saw James Earl Jones, who portrayed the titular character.  I had never heard of Vernon Johns, but I had heard of the church where he was preaching – Dexter Avenue Baptist Church in Montgomery, Alabama.

The movie, narrated by the character who portrays his daughter, tells the story of Johns who had gone from church to church until he was called to Dexter Avenue in 1948.  Within two years of his time at the church he began to speak about and against the racial issues within Montgomery and chastised his congregants for ignoring the issues.  Over the years, with Johns’ criticisms of their standing idly by, the congregation became increasingly discomforted and eventually forced him to resign.  The church began to search for a more conservative and less-demanding pastor, and in 1954 they hired 25 year old Martin Luther King, Jr.  (lol)

In the final moments of the movie, the narrator stated, “On my desk is a plaque that I inscribed with something that I must have heard my father say a million times: ‘If you see a good fight, get in it’.”

I found this to be a particularly striking quote because it echoed back to my January-term class and some feelings I was having then.  While we discussed racism in that class, we also talked about when to speak up and stand against issues, both in the church and in the world.  I’ve been contemplating over the past six-or-more months what my ‘thing’ will be – what will be my cause that I will fight for, who will the my people I will speak up for, what will be the issue that I will oppose.  Truthfully, I’d want nothing more right now than to know what my ‘thing’ will be.

I’ve been wondering what it will be because things in my life are so wide-open – I have so many possibilities before me when I finish seminary.  I can be called in any number of directions and do any number of things, but I wonder if my ‘thing’ will be there when I arrive.  I suppose I’ve been thinking about this lately because I want to be prepared for it when I arrive – I want to hit the ground running and have all the information I could possibly have to combat that ‘thing’.  I’m a planner at heart, so if I had this information now, I could really be ready for what’s to come.

But as lovely and wonderful as it would be to have that kind of foreknowledge before I arrive at a location, I seriously doubt that will be the case.  If anything, I won’t know what my ‘thing’ will be until I’m in the thick of it, like Johns, King, Gandhi, Gregory Boyle, Fr. James Martin, or Walter Rauschenbusch. 

Hearing the call on my life toward seminary has been a blessing, and I know I’m supposed to be here in this moment.  I know that if I continue to follow this Voice in my life I’ll be where I’m supposed to be in the future and will recognize my ‘thing’ when it comes.  And I know that I will be able to fight against it because my Creator has been with me and will be with me.  The best preparation I can do now is fill myself with a complete understanding of love and who I am in the eyes of God.  And be ready to join that fight when I see it.

much love. sheth.

Truth: BCE

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It’s been a crazy week, and I’m just now getting around to my writing that I usually do on Tuesday. Better late than never, I suppose. The past few days were spent on papers for my Biblical Hermeneutics class, cleaning, working, and trying to study for the Bible Content Exam I have to take tomorrow morning.

This exam is 100 questions about – you guessed it, Biblical content, with no Bible to lean on and no notes. Just me and an exam on what my mind has memorized about the Good Book. On one hand it’s a Bible trivia sort of thing: who wrote this…who was king when so-and-so was around…what is this passage referring to? If you’ve studied your Bible, you should know the stuff.

On the other hand, it’s a pretty important step in my ordination process – I have to pass this exam at some point in order to be ordained. I can take it a few times in an attempt to pass it, so I’m not overly worried…but still… there’s a certain ache in my soul about this exam: if I don’t pass, am I really meant to be in this field? Is this really where God wants me to be? Will this exam define my future in ministry? Is this a complete picture of who I am and what I’m capable of doing for God? Does this demonstrate all that I know about the Bible?

Truthfully, no, I don’t have the prophets memorized in order, nor which kings they were working with/against/in the vicinity of. And no, I can’t completely recognize the difference in writing between Paul, deutero-Paul, and not-at-all Paul. Nope I cannot, off of the top of my head, identify who recounts being lifted “by a lock of my head; and the spirit lifted me up between earth and heaven, and brought me in visions of God to Jerusalem”?*

I understand that my denomination desires its ministers to be well-versed in the Bible – that’s a good thing. I mean, the book is kind of important since most of my work in ministry will revolve around it. Biblical content knowledge and memorization is important, but knowing how to use the Bible is equally important. Knowing how to find the answers, knowing where to find answers, or knowing that there may not be an answer is just as important – if not more important – than Bible trivia.

So I’ll take some time tonight to study a bit more, but will tell myself to not worry about it. This is just a blip on the road – I know who I am in God’s eyes. I know who I am in the world. I know I’m capable, I know I’m being prepared, I know I’m not the summation of the numbers I receive tomorrow. I know the Bible and I know that God will always love me.

much love. sheth.

*It’s Ezekiel.

Truth: Terrified.

by ShethChristianity / Life / Seminary / Truth Tuesday / WorkLeave a Comment on Truth: Terrified.

These past few weeks I’ve taking a class called “The Bible and the Hermeneutics of Ministry” (hermeneutics is the study of the methodological principles of interpretation – in this case, the interpretation of the Bible).  If I were to sum it up, I’d say the class is about how ministers (and readers of the Bible) interpret the Bible and how these interpretations shape one’s ministry and work in the world.  It’s challenging work (besides the amount of readings) because I’m finding there to be a lot of introspection involved: what are my positive and negative prejudices, what are my views of people who come to church, how am I feeling about humanity as a whole, how is my walk with God these days, etc.  I spend a lot of time looking inwardly to my soul.

I admitted to my professor and my classmates that if anything would turn me away from continuing on with seminary, it would be the process of interpreting the Bible.  I admitted it because this interpretation-stuff is serious business to me – it isn’t cooking burgers or managing mutual funds.  I’m dealing with the Almighty Creator, the Christian church, and the holy Word of God; I’m dealing with (and helping form) people’s attitudes, feelings, and thoughts about all of these things.  I’m dealing with the messiness of life and spirituality, and am a representative…a voice…for God when things are at their best and worst.  And this terrifies me.

As a professing Christian, my life, my words, my actions have always pointed to my God, but I could skirt the issues and questions if I wanted to by saying “I don’t know” or “Your guess is as good as mine.”  But the stakes will be higher when I graduate and become ordained because people will turn to me for the right answers, the right decisions, and the right interpretations.  People will inevitably look to me for direction, guidance, and words of wisdom because of my title.

This terrifies me because I don’t know all the answers.  It terrifies me because I know how crappy it is when a pastor doesn’t have the right answer.  It terrifies me because I don’t want to damage someone’s delicate walk with God.  I don’t want to mess up someone’s life.  I don’t want to turn someone away from the God that I see, know, and love.  If anything were to turn me away from this calling, it would be because people will be looking to me for the truths of Christianity.

My professor, in her wisdom, assured me that these feelings of being ill-equipped, under-educated, and overly-pressured are good feelings because they point to the fact that I’m taking this calling seriously.  There are moments when I believe her because she’s a professor and she’s been around people moving into ministry; she’s witnessed more people than I have move through this process, and she’s been through it herself. Yet, I also doubt her because…well, because doubt is one of my super-powers.  I doubt my abilities, my education, my life’s work.  I doubt my worthiness and my good-enough-ness. 

But I don’t doubt my calling, I don’t doubt my love for God, and I don’t doubt my love for all of God’s creation.  I rest on the shaky knowledge that I won’t know everything, I won’t have all the right answers, I won’t always have the ‘correct’ interpretations.  And I rest on the shaky knowledge that when the time comes and I need to be a voice for God, the Spirit will be with me and speak what I cannot.

much love. sheth.