Category: Friends

Truth: Travel Companion

by ShethChristianity / Church / Friends / Home / Love / Relationships / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Travel Companion

In the morning, Chelsea May and I are leaving Texas, heading north to new locations (undisclosed for a week!) and new, unforeseen adventures.  I came to Texas in the wake of Hurricane Harvey to attend seminary, and I’m leaving in the wake of Hurricane Hannah, seminary completed and ready to move into ministry, married to my best friend and heading to new locations and new experiences.  It’s more than I ever dreamed of and more than I ever imagined.

When I landed in Austin I wanted to finish seminary and do ministry in a small town; I had no hopes or dreams of dating – let alone marrying – someone.  But God is funny, and by the end of our first year of classes I knew Chelsea May was going to be a significant person in my life.  While we got along in class, we somehow gravitated toward one another outside of the classroom and we just…kinda stuck together.  Going for late night pizzas…seeking ice cream on summer nights…going to church together…grocery store runs…movie nights and late night discussions.  Honestly, it’s one of those gross, fairytale, romantic montages from a rom-com that shows up on the Hallmark channel late at night.

And I’m okay with that.  I’m okay with the mushiness and the romance and the overly-cute nonsense that we do for one another and with one another.  It’s great – it’s what I always wanted and what I need in a relationship.  But I’m also okay with hanging out in our sweats and doin’ nothin’ on a Friday night as the cats run around the room like banshees.  And I’m okay with the arguments and the ‘serious discussions’ and being grumpy because it’s a Thursday.  I’m okay with all of this and all the unknowns, all the mysteries, and all the for-sures because I love her, and she, me.

Charles Schulz says it best for me as she and I rest up before our trip tomorrow: “In life, it’s not where you go, it’s who you travel with.”  While I’m confident that the future is unknown and scary and a little worrisome, I’m also confident that when I travel with Chelsea May, I know I’ll be fine.  She’s capable.  She’s strong.  She’s confident.  She’s loving.  She’s ready.  She’s trusting.  She can carry my baggage when it’s too much.  She can help navigate my dangerous waters.  She can lead me when I can’t do it.  She can take care of me when I need it most.  She can do all the things I can when I simply cannot do them – and she will – because she loves me.  And she knows that I’ll do the exact same for her at any moment because I love her.

I’m ready to travel to unknown places and unknown spaces because Chelsea May will be with me every step of the way.  I’m ready to travel into these next moments of ministry and life because God is with us both.  I’m ready to go because we’ve been sent.  I’m ready!

much love. sheth.

Truth: Black Lives Matter.

by ShethChristianity / Friends / Life / Social Media / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Black Lives Matter.

I recently saw this image on Facebook, one of but many posted by people who cry out, “All human lives matter!” or “We all bleed the same!” or “All lives matter – Jesus died for us all!”  Yes, all lives matter to God.  Yes, the ground is level at the foot of the cross.  Yes, we all bleed the same.  But now is not the time to ‘like and share’ these theological platitudes.  This is not a theological discussion – this is a social discussion.

The problem with this image I saw on Facebook is that it blatantly ignores the voices that are crying out to be heard right now.  Look closely – this image doesn’t mention black lives.  It mentions Indian lives.  And White lives.  And Blue lives.  But Black lives?  Apparently they can be ignored.  Sharing this image perpetuates the idea that black lives don’t matter in a time when they are desperately calling out.  If you’ve shared this image (or something similar), your racism stands out more than you ever thought possible.  If you can’t share an image that only says black lives matter – if you can’t share an image that even includes that line – then you don’t believe that all lives matter.  Sharing an image like this says that you believe all lives matter except black lives.

Now, you might say something like: “Black lives are included in the ‘Minority lives matter’ line in the image!”  But that still doesn’t make things better.  You’re saying that you want to say black lives matter, but you don’t want to upset your friends or family or whoever else might see it.  And yet you want them to think that you’re a good, full-spectrum-loving person, so you settled on this image.  But it’s a feeble middle-ground to land on – you’re trying to save face with family and friends when an entire race of people is struggling to breathe.

Sharing this image – and others like it – is done with good intentions (and there are roads paved with good intentions), but these images ignore the reality of the situation.  Yes, all lives matter.  But right now, all lives are not being treated well.  All lives are not being treated equally.  While some of us are able to sit on mountains of power and privilege as we post simple images to make ourselves feel good, there are black lives that continue to be abused and murdered in the valleys of oppression.  A black man was murdered in front of us all and we watched, shrugged our shoulders, and hit ‘share’ on a damned meme.

Look, I’m guilty, too.  While I haven’t shared an ‘All lives matter’ image, neither have I shared a ‘black lives matter’ image.  I haven’t been vocal in making it known that I believe that black lives matter – I have been silent, and my silence makes me just as guilty as those who share these images.  I am complicit in not using my voice to make my feelings known because I, too, have feared retribution from family and friends.  But at this point, it no longer matters: I must stand with the oppressed and face the retribution from family and friends.

Black lives matter.
I say it because I am called to speak and stand with the oppressed. 

Black lives matter.
I say it because I am called to stand against injustice.

Black lives matter.
I say it because I am called to correct error.

Black lives matter.
I say it because I believe it.
May it be so.  Dear God, may it be so.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Hospitality.

by ShethChristianity / Church / Friends / Life / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Hospitality.

I first met Kallie during our seminary’s orientation – with both southern accent and charm she handed me her calling card as she introduced herself, and I was excited because she was the kind of southerner I’d hoped to meet in Texas.  As our first semester moved along, I quickly came to understand that she was more than my simple pre-conceived notions.  She’s a people-person, she’s outside-the-box brilliant, she’s grossly generous and, most importantly, she embodies Christian hospitality.  That last one is what I admire so much about her: with open arms and heart she welcomes strangers into her life without complaint.  She seeks to entertain angels and she prepares tables with bountiful feasts of love.

I heard the song “Crowded Table” by The Highwomen the other day and I immediately thought of my friend.  The song’s chorus rings out: “I want a house with a crowded table / And a place by the fire for everyone / Let us take on the world while we’re young and able / And bring us back together when the day is done.”  For me, this is Kallie, and this is her hope for the Church.  She wants the table in God’s house to be crowded with people who love and care for one another, and she is doing her best to bring Heaven to earth in the here and now at her table.  She has friends and acquaintances and strangers over for dinner.  She brings people together who would never find reason to speak.  She gives herself to those around her.  Kallie gives me hope.

She gives me hope that there are ways for us to come together in spite of our differences.  She gives me hope that we can take on the wrongs of this world and make them right.  She gives me hope that a little hard work can produce great, life-giving benefits.  And Kallie gives me hope for the Church.  She – and others like her – are so desperately necessary.  In spite of the hatred and divisiveness in this world, she has shown me – and continues to show me – that it is possible to love the stranger, to invite others in, to be Christ in this world.  She reminds me that there are others just like her who are exceptionally giving, who extend goodwill, who unconditionally entertain guests, visitors, and strangers. 

The world needs more hospitality…the world needs more Kallies: people who work to make their tables crowded…people who make space by their fires…people who do the work needed to bring Heaven to earth.  Thank you, Kallie, for feeding the hungry, for giving drink to the thirsty, for welcoming the stranger.  I pray that we can all be a little more (or a lot more) like you, seeking out ways to serve Christ in the here and now.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Man.

by ShethChristianity / Church / Friends / Loneliness / Love / Relationships / Seminary / Truth Tuesday1 Comment on Truth: Man.

There was a question posed on Reddit this past Sunday: “Men of Reddit, what’s a thing that can be scary about being a man?”  I thought it was an intriguing question, and the answers that were given didn’t entirely shock me:

  • It is terrifying how lonely middle age is…
  • People expect you to be ‘okay’ in obviously dangerous situations…
  • Expected to make the first move…
  • She (my ex) spread rumours that I was abusive and violent…
  • Being told to ‘man up’ when you’re having a terrible day…
  • You could be the most depressed person on the planet and no one would give a shit…
  • I don’t want to be seen as a thread by people I would never hurt…
  • People don’t believe when we express sexual assault or abuse…
  • The sheer expectation that we can shoulder everyone’s stress…
  • The loneliness of it…[1]

Yes, as a man I’m comfortable walking down the street.
Yes, as a man I’m comfortable on payday.
Yes, as a man I’m comfortable leaving my drink at the bar.
Yes, as a man I’m comfortable accepting a first call to a pulpit.
I’m comfortable when these things happen because, as a man, life is sometimes easier.[2]  But…

If I’m honest, I’d have to admit that this Reddit thread’s answers and the stories surrounding them are not just heartbreaking…they are my answers and my stories as well, landing terribly close to home.  It’s scary as hell to be a man.

It’s scary, not just because of these things, but because there’s a lot riding on maintaining my manliness.  I must protect.  I must fight.  I must conquer.  I must be the god that is portrayed and passed down because there’s an “invisible male chorus of all the other guys who hiss or cheer as he attempts to approximate the masculine ideal…the chorus is made up of all the guy’s comrades and rivals, all his buddies and bosses, his male ancestors and his male cultural heroes, his models of masculinity…”[3]   I must maintain this idea of ‘man’ and ‘manliness’ because I dare not face the scrutiny of that chorus of ancient voices.

It’s scary because I’m supposed to be an autonomous machine – no feelings, no emotions, no tears (crying is a sign of weakness!) – the world depends on me sucking it up and dealing with it.  I try to talk to women about how weird it is for a man to cry and sometimes I feel like I’m speaking a foreign language to her.  It’s utterly unexpected when a man cries, when a man expresses his heart, when a man exposes his most inner heart.  It’s scary that men don’t have more opportunities to express themselves, and it’s scary that it’s expectedly-unavoidable when men are crushed by the burdens of un-expression.

It’s scary because as much as I’d like to, there’s not a damn thing I can do about this at all.  I don’t want to be emotionally distant.  I don’t want to ‘man up and deal’.  I don’t want to carry burdens because it’s expected of me.  I want to talk, express, cry, be free – but until the world allows me space to do so, I can’t do it.  Until the world admits that my world is scary, I will continue to bow under this weight.  It’s scary because men can’t admit that their world is scary.

Friends, talk with the men in your lives.  Help them to have expression.  Help to carry their burdens – and try to ease their burden.  Help them to overcome those ancient voices of doubt, fear, distrust, and stability.  Help the men in your lives to have friends – real, honest-to-God friends – who talk, share, cry, laugh, and be vulnerable with one another.  Help the men in your lives to understand that they don’t have to do it all…they don’t have to be it all…that they’re not alone.

May God give us vision to see the suffering of the strong.  May God give us hearts to connect to the pain of the powerful.  May God give us the ability to realize that we needn’t be strong nor powerful, but honest and real.  And when we are open and exposed with one another, may we be caring and grateful, offering peace.

much love. sheth.

 

[1] “Men of Reddit, What’s A Thing That Can Be Scary About Being A Man?” Reddit.com; Accessed 12/15/2019. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eaymhi/men_of_reddit_whats_a_thing_that_can_be_scary/

[2] I must say that I’m not comfortable with the idea that, because I’m a man, these things are inherently easier – I’m working for and promoting gender equality so it’s all uniformly easier.

[3] Philip L. Culbertson, Counseling Men (Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1994), 25.

Truth: Burning.

by ShethBeauty / Christianity / Friends / Life / Loneliness / Love / Prayer / Relationships / Seminary / Suicide / Truth Tuesday1 Comment on Truth: Burning.

Villa Grove is a dot on the map, not even a stop – it’s simply a place people drive through, and while there are a few residents within the immediate township, most of the people are scattered around the San Luis Valley.  The residents of the area moved there to enjoy the tranquility of the valley, while others moved there to run away from civilization.  If you mind your own business and don’t get overly friendly, the area is a great place to live.

As a pawn for the USPS, I worked the Villa Grove post office quite often as they were seeking a permanent employee.  The office, situated on the side of the highway, faced east towards Hayden Pass and was prime viewing ground for watching smoke plumes from a forest fire in 2016.  The initial days of the fire were unnerving for people on both sides of the pass as it was unclear which direction the fire would travel. Would it remain on the east side of the pass and head towards Coaldale or would it crawl over the pass and head west towards Villa Grove?

I had a customer come in to the office and she made it clear that she was terrified of what may happen, pounding the counter and demanding that the fire be put out.  She wanted to know why there weren’t more planes and helicopters dropping retardant and water, and why there weren’t more firefighters creating fire lines.  She didn’t want to see the destruction.  She didn’t want to see the dangerous after effects.  She didn’t want people to lose homes and property.  The raging fires were too much for her and she couldn’t see any good in it.

*****

Today I was talking with one of my friends and I was trying to explain why I was taking on more than my fair share of some group work we’re doing together.  And out of nowhere I started to well up with tears because I know this person is facing some big fires in their life, and that’s why I’m doing extra.  The fire in their life is moving along, taking out a lot of old, dead wood and I hate that they have to face the destruction.  The truth is, I’m a lot like that woman at the post office: no more pain, no more struggles, no more danger.  I want the fires out!

*****

That fire on Hayden Pass ended up moving across more than 16,000 acres of land, burning vast areas of deadfall trees and brush – things that needed to burn.  In the following months after that fire, it was difficult to imagine the good that could come from it.  The burn scar had no protection from the rains and there ended up being great deluges in gulches, bringing down dead and burned trees and giant boulders.

As the years have passed, the benefits of the fire are becoming clearer, with healthier trees and grasses becoming more prevalent across the landscape.  The burn scar is becoming less noticeable and, if anything, it makes the unhealthy, non-burned areas more noticeable.  The fire and it’s immediate aftermath were destructive, painful, and left many feeling scared, but it’s made the landscape more beautiful.

*****

I know that my friend has to face these fires. 

I know that it’s going to be difficult, painful, and destructive.

I know there’s nothing I can do to put out these fires –
they’re necessary and have to burn.

I thank God that my friend will be cleared of all the deadfall in their life
and will come out of it with fertile and healthy ground
to grow stronger, deeper, and taller than they were before.

May the fires in our lives burn where they must, and may we face the flames with strength and humility.  May God bring us out of these fires and into growth…into thriving…into beauty.

much love. sheth.

Truth: On Leave.

by ShethChristianity / Friends / Life / Loneliness / Love / Prayer / Relationships / Seminary / Truth Tuesday2 Comments on Truth: On Leave.

Out of character, I’ve been pretty defensive lately, keeping my guard up with the people around me.  Part of it is because there are a handful of students who have learned some of the tricks of the chaplaincy trade and they can now crack the toughest shell with ease (and I need to maintain my mysteriousness). 

As she was working on worship bulletins, Carrie was nonchalantly talking with me, weaving her way through my defenses and she asking me the tough questions.  We talked about my feelings (ugh) and she mentioned that I haven’t been my usual, happy self lately.  I responded that I’m a bit behind in classwork…I’m tired of the school’s systems and unresponsiveness to problems…I’m weary of swings too far to the left and too far to the right…I’m feeling silenced because I’m stereotyped as the oppressor.  I said I’m done with the whole school ‘thing’ and want to move on.

“Maybe you’re beginning to mourn the fact that you’re going to have to move on?  Maybe you’re a little angry that you’re going to have to leave?”

*****

A few weeks ago I had come up with the theme for May’s student newsletter – ‘Leaving’ – and I was looking forward to writing on that subject matter because I have some things I’d like to get off my chest!  But as I think about it and the reflect on the conversation with my friend from earlier today, I’m realizing that she’s probably right – I’m mourning the fact that I’m going to be leaving.  The truth is that I’m ready to go, but I’m not ready to say goodbye to these people.  And I’m realizing that I’m not good at leaving.

I recall being in 4th or 5th grade and having to go to church with my parents outside of our ‘normal’ church time.  It wasn’t rushed or an emergency, but it was still a serious moment.  While not given all the details, I recall my parents telling me that the pastor might be leaving and the church was meeting to discuss it.

The adults met in the sanctuary and us kids went (unsupervised) to the gym to play.  As the evening progressed, it began to sink in that if the pastor left, his daughter – my best friend – would have to leave as well.  My heart dropped slowly through the evening, and I didn’t know how to process those feelings.  I ended up using anger and frustration to express my sadness and heartbreak, and from then on I’ve been protective of leaving moments.

Leaving for college was disastrous.  I intentionally have zero contact with any woman I’ve previously dated.  I slowly let friendships die off if they – or I – move away.  I’d rather cut off, cut out, or destroy any relationship than have to face the process of leaving gracefully.

I know that’s not a healthy way to live, and I think that’s why I’ve been wrestling with all kinds of feelings lately.  I don’t want to be defensive, angry, and holding back my feelings for people – but it’s a whole lot easier than remaining attached and doing the work to maintain relationships.  And it’s a whole lot easier than having to show my feelings and be vulnerable.

I don’t know how to leave gracefully. 

I don’t know how to say goodbye to some relationships and foster others.

I don’t know how to acknowledge that I won’t see most of these people again.

I don’t know how I’ll manage to be in ministry without these talented, loving, Christ-like people by my side.

This hurts my soul…and raises my defenses.

My God,
help me to leave this place well.
let me humbly return.
guide my heart to the new
and bring me often to old.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Hidden.

by ShethChristianity / Friends / Life / Relationships / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Hidden.

The church I’m attending is doing a summer series titled “Hidden Figures” – it’s about the small, not-well-known people in the Bible who have had major impacts on the people around them.  I haven’t thought about most of these people – Micah of Moresheth, Ananias, the daughters of Zelophehad (and others) – but they’ve had lasting impact on the formation of my faith and that of my Church.

As I’ve been thinking about these hidden figures, I’ve been reflecting on those hidden figures in my own life – the people who have had a lasting impact on who I am (and who I’m becoming).  People who, at the time, I didn’t know were molding and shaping me into the person I would become.

The teacher’s aides who tutored me when the teacher was too busy for me.
The lunch ladies who gave me free meals when I forgot my money.
The elderly couple who took my brother and I to eat at the fanciest restaurant we’d ever been to (they had live lobsters – a big deal for a 9 year old).
The twenty-something who took time to mentor me and take me to Elitch’s.
The old ladies who bought me lunch after church and check in on me.
These were all little things that people chose to do for me that stuck with me, showed me I was valued and loved, and taught me that I should do the same.

 

There’s this verse in Hebrews, “Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it” (Heb. 13:2, NIV).  I think it could be reworded: “Do not forget that strangers, in showing you hospitality, are angels and you didn’t even know it.”  The truth is, most of these hidden figures in my life were angels for me.  They gave me hope that I was smart enough and I could learn my multiplication tables.  They showed me that I won’t ever go hungry if they’re around.  They gave me something good and nice for no reason at all, other than because they loved me.  They knew the importance of guidance, mentorship, and discipleship.  They let me know that I was valued and visible to them.

I should acknowledge the people who do so many small things for me that I don’t fully recognize as being impactful in the moment.  The janitors, housekeepers, and groundskeepers who maintain the facilities around me and keep me safe and healthy.  The administrative assistants and secretaries and finance office people who do all the paperwork to keep things running.  The nurses and assistants who do 99% of the actual work in doctor’s offices and hospitals.  The people who send me cards in the mail just because they were thinking about me.

And I should also keep in mind that I may be someone’s hidden figure.  I may not always know it, I may not always intentionally be doing something, but I will nevertheless have a lasting impact on most of the people I come across.  I need to be mindful of my actions, my thoughts, and my words and be as loving as I can possibly be to all the people I meet.

May we all see the hidden figures who have made us who we are today.  May we be thankful for those who have had positive impacts on us and forgiving of those who have had negative impacts on us.  May we have eyes to be more aware of those around us who are hidden in our day-to-day lives and acknowledge their impact on us today.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Pets.

by ShethChristianity / Friends / Love / Pets / Relationships / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Pets.

One of my friends has had to say goodbye of two of her elderly dogs over the past few months, and it’s heartbreaking for me to see her go through this – I ache for her and the losses she has had to deal with amid school finals and life’s never-ending messes. I wish I could make her dogs live forever, or at the very least I wish I could spread out the losses. Many people here at seminary think I’m not a pet-friendly person, but that’s not the case. I love pets dearly – it’s saying goodbye to them that I don’t like, and to guard my heart I put up my stalwart stance.

My family picked up our dog Sunshine when I was four or five and she was a constant in my life over the next decade. She would play with my brother and I in the backyard, stealing our baseballs and chasing our snowballs. She went with us on our family vacations to the Sand Dunes, Blue Mesa, Grand Mesa, and my grandparents’ property in Coaldale. She moved with us to three different homes, was terrified of fireworks, and was always ready to greet me at the door when I came home.

 

As the years went on, her muscle mass deteriorated and had facial paralysis – we eventually had to put her to sleep. It was a decision my parents made, though they asked me if I wanted to skip school and go with them, but I couldn’t do it. I remember that day vividly as I walked to school and my parents drove to the vet – my mind was cycling through all the memories I had of Sunshine and me playing together.

We picked up Josie from the shelter in Buena Vista a few years later, and while she wasn’t a replacement, she lived up to the paw prints left by Sunshine. She was a pit bull/ rottweiler/ something-else mix, and while she looked intimidating, she was one of the sweetest dogs I have ever come across. She was a little goofy, a little ditzy, but full of love and affection. She performed zoomies with perfection, was intimidated by statues, would wiggle her tail-less butt with excitement, and rarely would she bark out of fear or anger.

 

I left for college and she was ready to greet me each time I returned home. When I was depressed and contemplating suicide, Josie was there by my side. When I was watching the terrorist attacks in 2001 and getting ready to fearfully travel overseas, Josie was there with me as I packed my bags. In all the chaos of my early 20-somethings, she was by my side. While I was living in Greeley, my mom called to tell me that Josie had gone to sleep the night before but never woke up. I was just as devastated as I was with Sunshine, and I grieved just as fiercely.

The truth is, I love pets. I loved all the pets that I’ve had in my life: dogs, cats, birds, a ferret, hamsters, and a myriad of goldfish. I loved all the pets that my brother has had: the big dogs, the herding dogs, the little dogs; the goats, cows, and horses. I love all the pets that are around me currently: Scooter, Muji, Mylo, Cooper (x2), Winnie, Blanche, Loveern, Shiloh, Potter, Radar, Kodac, Migelito and all the other dogs and cats, squirrels, frogs, and birds who reside on campus.

I love pets – it’s the end of their lives that I don’t like and what I guard against. I don’t like the hurt and pain and emptiness that comes when they leave. I don’t like the tears and crying that I end up doing because they’re gone. I don’t like missing my best friends and constant companions for years after they’ve left. I don’t like losing pets, which is why I guard my heart against the inevitable ache.

Thank God for pets: for their love and compassion towards us when we are so undeserving of it. Thank God for pets: for always giving us a moment of joy, a time of happiness, an ear of understanding. Thank God for pets: the better being in the relationship time and time again.

Thank God for pets.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Gossip.

by ShethChristianity / Friends / Gossip / Life / Seminary / Speaking / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Gossip.

I usually start my favorite conversations with: “Did you hear what happened?!”  Immediately following this question I give the scoop – who it was, what they did, when it happened, where it happened, and why they did it.  My high school journalism teacher would be proud that I am able to report so succinctly after all these years, though he would probably be questioning the accuracy of my source material.

The truth is, I love to gossip.  I love to hear all the details, then speculate on the subject matter, and pass judgement.  But my gossiping isn’t always this nefarious thing where I’m attempting to damage someone’s reputation – sometimes it’s just sharing information about what I heard from someone who heard something from someone else.  I’m a sharer of information!

I’d like to blame my gossiping on my grandma, who would go to McDonald’s with her best friend and the two would gossip for hours.  Multiple times a week they would finagle their way into getting free coffee while discussing all the news that wasn’t fit to print.  But as much as I would like to, I can’t blame my genetics on my propensity for gossiping.

The thing is, I’m not a fan of gossip and the damage it creates.  I’ve seen pastors battle with congregants over rumors of retirement.  I’ve seen men sort through the gossip to save their marriage.  I’ve seen friendships destroyed, jobs abandoned, relationships ended, and innocent lives taken because of gossip.  I’ve been the victim of it and know how hurtful and judged a person can feel being the subject of gossip.  And yet, I still do it.

 

I know the Bible has copious verses on idle talk, mischievous tongues, slanderous lips, busybodies, and gossips.  I know the damage that my own words have done when I have spread gossip, when I have taken tidbits of information and exaggerated them to expansive proportions, when I have learned something about someone and speculated on it with someone else.

There’s this line from an old country song that sums up what I’m feeling when I gossip: “I always feel the best when my conscience hurts the most.”  I really, truly know that gossip is hurtful and damaging, and still, I do it because it makes me feel good.  If I can tear down someone who I think is better than me, I’ll feel better about myself.  If I can condemn someone else’s actions, I can feel better about my own.  If I can damage someone else’s reputation I’ll look better than them.

When I gossip, it’s usually because I’m not feeling good about myself and I want to bring others down to my level.  When I can lower others I think I’m not such a terrible person.  But I’m not doing anyone any good – I’m just damaging them and myself.

Living in a small community where my neighbors are my friends and my friends are in class with me, gossip is HUGE (yes, it’s a Christian community, and yes, we manage to gossip a lot).  We talk behind people’s backs, we tear one another down, we bend the truth and spread it quickly.  We gossip about people not living up to certain standards when we ourselves aren’t living up to them, either.  We’re petty and manipulate the truth.  Gossip takes control and runs us over.

There’s a fine line between sharing information and sharing the juicy details.  It’s a short walk between telling an anecdote and telling gossip.  I wish the lines were clearer, the boundaries bigger, the differences larger.  I seek definition and turn to the dictionary to define ‘gossip’, but it’s pretty unclear: “rumor or report of an intimate nature.”  What are the qualifications for information becoming gossip?  What qualifies information to be just information?  At what point does a conversation turn into a gossip session?

I think part of what defines a conversation as gossip is the intent – is this a conversation about a person or is it about revealing something hurtful about that person?  Is it the full and honest truth, or is it just picked-out details to paint someone in a negative light?

Another part that defines a conversation as gossip is interest – is it because I’m truly interested in the person and situation, or because I’m wanting to get into their affairs and speculate?  Am I putting my nose where it doesn’t belong?

Lastly, what defines a conversation as gossip is outcome – am I sharing this information as it pertains to something or someone else, or am I sharing it because I want to cause damage?  Is it an attempt to bring someone else down a peg or two because I’m not at their same level?

This gossip thing is hard, and I think there’s something to be said for it’s frequent condemnation in the Bible.  God desires for us to love and care for one another; God desires for us to lift one another up in all conversations.  God wishes that we would be better, do better, and gossip a whole lot less – because our gossip not only hurts other people, it hurts our Creator.

Let’s think before we speak.  Let’s question the information we’re about to share.  Let’s find other things to talk about.  May our words be tempered by wisdom, may our mouths build bridges, and may our conversations be beneficial.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Alcohol.

by ShethChristianity / Friends / Life / Love / Relationships / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Alcohol.

I was 9 or 10 years old when I first tasted an alcoholic beverage: a sip of my parents’ red wine at the Black Angus Steakhouse.  It’s bitterness was not pleasing to my uncultured taste buds.  The next time I drank an alcoholic beverage was in the summer before my junior year of high school (I can no longer drink Coors).  After those wild nights I drank occasionally during my senior year when my older friends were home from college.  I went to college and spent a good portion of my first semester with Jack Daniels and Coke.

My inability to control alcohol – and myself – ruined my undergrad work and left me on academic probation (it’s really hard to dig out of a 1.7 GPA).  Alcohol’s inhibition-relaxing properties led me into questionable circumstances and poor choices.  Alcohol wreaked havoc on my body and I’ve spent countless hours on bathroom floors and wasted days afterwards recovering.

 

Yes, I still drink, though I’m more responsible with it.  A glass of red wine with some steak?  Yes, please.  A cocktail with friends on Friday night?  I’m in.  A margarita and a chimichanga?  Sign me up.  Beer and BBQ?  Save me a seat.  Don’t get me wrong, I still make errors in judgment and am far from having a clean record of sobriety.  While I’m not an alcoholic, I know all too well the pain and misery that it can cause.  Truthfully, alcohol scares me.

It scares me because it’s held many family members in its grasp and caused untold amounts of pain and grief, and I know it can easily do the same for me.  It scares me because as a child I heard my dad spend too many hours helping people sober up in our kitchen late at night.

It scares me because of my addictive personality – if I like something, I’m going to keep doing it, no matter how good or bad it is for me – and alcohol can take me quickly.  It scares me because I have friends who can’t conquer alcohol, and all I can do is sit back and wait for them to hit rock bottom before I can do anything.

I’m not opposed to alcohol.  I’m opposed to letting it rule one’s life.  I’m opposed to using it as a crutch.  I’m opposed to using it as a game.  I’m opposed to needing it.

As easy as it is to open up a bottle, it’s just as easy to lose control and have it run you over.  I get it, I know it, I’ve seen it.  Our lives are meant for so much more than what a beverage can give us.  We have so much more courage than what we may think we gain with a glass or two.  We are much better people than who we perceive we are when we’re drunk.  We’re so much more than what alcohol makes us think we are.

May God give us mercy when we over-do and may we learn from our mistakes.  May God give us clarity to see when we have a problem and the courage to conquer it.  May God give us strength as we love those in the clutches of alcoholism.

much love. sheth.

 

If you think you need help, talk to a trusted friend, co-worker, pastor, or family member.  If that’s too much, check out Alcoholics Anonymous, SMART Recovery, or Women For Sobriety to see how they can help you find a meeting nearby.

If someone you know or someone you love is struggling with alcohol, there are resources out there for you, too.  Check out Al Anon or Alcohol.org for more guidance.