Category: Truth Tuesday

Truth: Memories.

by ShethChristianity / Life / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Memories.

There’s this nifty little function on Facebook called ‘Memories’ – I can click on that and look at all the past things I’ve posted on Facebook on that given date (how old do I sound in this sentence?).  I like this because I can look back and see all the good things that have happened in my life: concerts, going on dates, international trips, meeting important or influential people, or hanging out with friends.  I can see past observations I’ve made, quotes I may have liked at the time, or how I felt about this or that political issue.  Sometimes, though, things come up that I don’t want to be reminded of: financial struggles, losses of employment, broken relationships, family hardships, dumb quotes, the starts of arguments…all the bad things that I don’t care to think about.

When I was a child, I knew that when I died I would have to account for my sins, but I wasn’t sure how God and I would review those sins.  Would it be a book – a pictorial sin-biography?  Would God just start rattling off my misdeeds and shortcomings and I would have to answer for each one?  My creative little mind came up with the idea that God would project them on a screen – a retrospective film of my life, starring me.  [And because I tend to make matters worse in my mind, I assumed everyone would be watching…and I mean EVERYONE, because we’d all be there in one place on the day of judgement]

I’d ask my Sunday School teachers about the consistency of God’s memory – was everything remembered…was there ever a lapse in memory…how big or small did a sin need to be for it to be remembered?  I mean, God remembered Noah after the flood and God remembered about Israel time and time again…God has a good memory!  Why wouldn’t God remember when I took that piece of candy, or when I told my mom I wasn’t at the park, or when I kept the dime meant for the offering plate?  I asked all the questions because I was worried about my sins and that God’s memory would prevent me from getting through those pearly gates.

Certainly God remembers, but it’s not in the same way that we remember, or the way Facebook remembers.  God doesn’t hold on to those memories and lord them over us; God doesn’t waive our mistakes in our faces; God doesn’t drop them in our minds to make us feel bad.  God has forgiven us of our mistakes the moment we confess them.  God has wiped them from the Divine memory as if they weren’t even there.

The truth is, the memories of my past sins are my memories, and I think they linger in my brain for a few reasons.  They’re there because I haven’t forgiven myself of my sins, even though God has; I can’t seem to let go of this or that and I beat myself up with the memory.  These are things I continually have to work on and ask God to help me forgive myself.

But the ‘sin memories’ are also there to remind me of the past – like Facebook – and to point me to the consequences of my mistakes.  They give me a base line for my future actions and they guide me in my decision making.

Most importantly, I think they’re also there to remind me of God’s grace and love: Hey, Sheth, remember that time you did X? And remember when God forgave you for that?  Well, God can certainly forgive you for this, too.  These memories keep me balanced, in a way – they make sure I stay on trail, and when I waiver and falter I know where the trail is located and how to get back.

May we forgive ourselves as God has forgiven us!  May the memories of our pasts not come back to haunt us!  And may our memories give us direction in life, guiding us along life’s paths!

much love. sheth.

Truth: Assault.

by ShethChristianity / Relationships / Sex / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Assault.

I’ve been watching and listening to the news concerning the progress of the Brett Kavanaugh hearings and all the ‘stuff’ surrounding it, and it’s caused me to think about some ‘stuff’ in my own life. Hearing Christine Blasey Ford state that she’s been sexually assaulted (and other men’s actions – from Washington D.C. powers, to Hollywood elites, to the countless men in church leadership) has given me reason enough to stop and take a long, hard look at my own life and the way I treat(ed) women.

I’ve been asking myself a few questions about the whole ordeal: if I were placed in Kavanaugh’s shoes, would any controversial issues from my past come out? This question terrifies me (and probably you) because no one likes to have their lives scrutinized; no one likes to face tough questions regarding what they may or may not have done in the past.

But this question also terrifies me because I am not sure who or what issues would come up. While I’ve maintained control of my faculties and have been aware of what I have said and done in my life, I’m not overly confident that I’ve always lived my life above reproach.

I’ll confess that in my life I’ve cat-called, I’ve told jokes in poor taste, I’ve leered – I’m willing to admit to these assaults. But I wonder if I’ve done other things that have made women feel uncomfortable. Have I inadvertently touched someone inappropriately? Have I gone too far with a woman when she didn’t want to? Did I use my position of power to get something from a woman? Have I caused a woman to feel uncomfortable around me? While I can’t explicitly recall specific moments when I have done these things, did I ever do any of them without my realizing?

This is what terrifies me the most – my not knowing if I’ve done harm to women. I want people – both women and men – to feel safe and comfortable around me, but have I messed up at some point in my life? Have I ever done something I shouldn’t have?

Personally, I’m learning from these allegations of assault, misconduct, and rape, and that is a good thing. I’m learning that I need to be more active in choosing my words and actions – not out of fear that it might come back to bite me in the ass – but because what I may think is acceptable may not be so for the other. I’m learning that what was once accepted may not be accepted now, and I must continually work to change my behaviors. I’m learning that I must be proactive in changing my behaviors and societal norms instead of waiting for women to come out and say that something is wrong.

I’m learning that women don’t always feel safe around men and that I need to work to change this – not by telling women they can be safe, but by helping other men to change their behaviors. I need to be with other men and guide them in living a good life that respects, honors, and upholds women as God’s beloved.

I’m learning what these words ‘above reproach’ truly mean: it’s not that I need to live a life void of sin (I can’t do that), but that I need to live a life that sets a high standard for myself. I need to be a good model for others in the church (and outside of it) – I need to be someone others can emulate. I’m learning that I need to live a life where I have no doubt about the answer to the question “have I done something I shouldn’t have?”

May my Creator guide me in being a good, decent, uplifting man. May God give women the strength to stand up to the wrongs committed against them. May all men have ears to hear these women’s voices and work to change before women have to speak. And may we all live in peace, in love, and in respect for one another.

much love. sheth.

Truth: God, esq.

by ShethChristianity / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: God, esq.

Recently, I was speaking with a classmate of mine (a lawyer in her previous life before coming to seminary), and I asked her about the attorneys who advertise on television: “Why are they so loud, and pushy, and overly-aggressive?  They’re portraying this ultra-manliness, this testosterone-filled anger, and they all just want to fight.”

My friend pointed out that most of those lawyers are reaching out to particular clients who are hurt – physically or emotionally – and want the most compensation they can get.  These people who are looking for lawyers want someone that can relate to their anger, their frustration, their rage.  They’re looking for a fighter.

This really does make sense to me – when I needed a lawyer to help me with some stuff, I didn’t want someone who would be meek and mild in front of a judge.  I wanted someone who would be strong, assertive, and would have my very best interests in mind.

Truthfully, I usually want a God who is kind of the same way.  I want a God who’s going to put me first; I want a God who’s going to make sure I’m taken care of; I want a God who knows the system; I want a God who won’t back down.  I want a God that will smite my enemies, vanquish my foes, and raise me up from the valleys.  I want a God like this because it feels like I have to fight a lot – I have to fight to make it academically, financially, emotionally, spiritually.  So, when I feel like I have to fight, I want someone on my team who can fight as well, or better than I can.

But that’s not always the best approach, honestly – both for lawyers and God.  Sometimes things need to be handled gently…sometimes I need a God that will sit me down with my enemies or my situations and mediate.  Sometimes I need a God that will tell me it’s going to be a losing battle and that I need to give it up before I start.  Sometimes I need a God who will refuse my case all together because there’s insufficient evidence, unreliable witnesses, or there simply is nothing to be fighting for.

While God can be big and loud, seemingly shouting from the rooftops or standing in power positions, most of the time we need our Creator to just sit down with us, tell us it’s okay, and give us a hug.  With faith and understanding, may we see God for the wholly-divine, omniscient, omnipotent, ever-loving, strong, passionate, compassionate, and loving Divine that we need.

much love. sheth.

Truth: I Know Best.

by ShethChristianity / Life / Prayer / Story / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: I Know Best.

There’s more to follow, but first, my rendition of Luke 5:1-8:

Jesus was talking to some folks by the Lake of Gennesaret, when, off in the distance he saw two boats near the shoreline.  He walked towards the boats while he continued to talk with the small crowd, and when he approached the boats he stepped up into one of them and asked the owner to put out the boat a bit farther from the shore.  Then Jesus sat down and continued to teach from it.

Simon, the boat’s owner, did what the man had asked of him and he moved his boat a little further off shore.  Simon was stunned that he did what was asked of him, but also confused as to why this stranger decided to use his boat as a park bench.  Simon’s countenance shifted from awe and amazement to contempt, and he glared at the man as he was speaking, waiting for the opportune time to question the man.  “Who does this guy think he is?” Simon thought to himself, “He comes and sits in my boat, has these people following him…traipsing all over my fishing gear, and then he tells me where to go fishing!”

Simon looked at the man, who was grinning and looking back at him.  Jesus wrapped up his discussion then said to the weathered fisherman, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.”  Exhausted from the previous night’s expedition, Simon knew better than this man that it was a terrible time and place to fish, “Master,” said Simon sarcastically, “we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t…caught…anything.  But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”

With a half-hearted motion to his fellow fishermen, Simon and company let down their nets.  After all the nets were cast, Simon looked at Jesus, “There.  The nets are out.  I hope you’re happy.”  Simon folded his arms onto his chest, “Oh, and thanks for wasting my morning.  I had plans to go into town and take care of some business, but no, this…” he quickly spread his arms wide, gesturing to the water around him, “…is much more productive.”

As he was lowering his arms in frustration, Simon lost his balance – the nets pulled the boat hard, and the fishermen all shouted with a mix of bewilderment and excitement.  There on Lake Gennesaret, Simon and his fellow fishermen caught so many fish that their nets began to break!  He was astonished and looked at Jesus who was grinning from ear-to-ear; Simon weaved his way over to Jesus and fell at his feet.

*****

Jesus comes and sits in my boat telling me where I should go and what I should do?  I know best!…right?  In all honesty, I usually feel like Simon – I see Jesus approaching my life, wondering why he’s hanging out in my boat, and I question his calls for me to act.  I question and wonder and second-guess because I see my life through my own eyes – I’ve been living my life and I know what’s best for me.

If Jesus calls me to help someone, I question whether I’m the best one to help; if Jesus calls me to speak with someone, I question whether I’ll have the right words; if Jesus calls me to lead, I point out others who would be much better for the job.  My life seems to be a series of occasions when I think that God should have arranged things differently.  God should have given me that job, or kept me in that relationship, or provided for me sooner instead of letting me struggle for so long.  In those moments I’ve wrestled with God I think I know what’s best for me.

As much as I think I have all the answers – as much as I think I know when it’s best to wash my nets or go fishing – I don’t know much at all.  When I turn my vision towards Jesus and trust in his calling, when I believe that he knows me best, then my life can only be the best it can be.  I may struggle at times, I may have to learn a few lessons along the way, but Jesus is always there telling me the better way to live.

I can only pray to be less like Simon, and not only have ears to hear God’s voice, but to also have unbound trust in what God is going to do in my life.

much love. sheth.

Truth: No.

by ShethChristianity / Relationships / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: No.

I was working with a mission group in a steamy warehouse near Pristina, sorting out a semi-truck load of donated goods to help those in the war-torn countryside of Kosovo: used men’s size 16 New Balance shoes, a five-foot high pallet of bulk feminine pads, boxes and boxes of clothing, non-perishable food, crib mattresses, and other essential (and non-essential) items.

In the middle of our morning’s work, a man from the nearby village walked up to us and offered up shots from an un-labeled green bottle.  This man was a Serbian and knew we were working with the Albanians, so his offer of a gift was sketchy at best as we were aiding his enemy.  Thinking I’d be friendly and nice – Jesus would have accepted this gift – I took the shot and threw it back.  It burned as it went down, and while it turned out to be a local liquor, the possibility was there that it could have been poison.

It’s not that I didn’t think the potential was there to be drinking poison that day, it’s that I have a difficult time saying no.  I didn’t want to offend this poor man who was offering up a large gift (though small in our eyes).  I didn’t want to look weak in the eyes of my fellow workers.  I didn’t want to portray a Christian that wouldn’t accept a gift.  I didn’t want to say no.

From the Corpus of Contemporary American English, the word ‘no’ is the 93rd most frequently used word in their database of over 450 million words.  In my personal database, it’s used much less frequently.  It’s not that I can’t say no, it’s that I usually don’t.

No is difficult for me to say because I don’t want to disappoint people.  I know how difficult it can be to ask others for help, to offer others something I have, to invite people somewhere, so when I’m given the opportunity, I’ll say yes.  I want to please people, even if it doesn’t please myself.

No is difficult for me to say because I think others have my best interests in mind.  I don’t take advantage of others, so why would someone take advantage of me?  ‘Be the change you wish to see in the world’, right?  If I wish we all had one another’s best interests in mind, shouldn’t I assume others have my best interests in mind?

No is difficult for me to say because I want to discover new things.  I’ve lived my life fairly guarded, so now I seem to be going to the other extreme and saying ‘no’ would defeat the purpose.  Carpe diem!

My saying ‘yes’ to so many things has usually turned out to be a good thing – I’ve learned I enjoy sour cream, halal food, and halibut; I’ve discovered that I’m smart enough to be in grad school, I can learn new things while still holding on to my beliefs, and I can have conversations with others I disagree with and remain friends.  But my inability to say ‘no’ has led to bad relationships, many hangovers, stepping over my moral and ethical boundaries, and has caused me to ruin myself and others in the process.

I wrestle with when to say ‘yes’ and when to say ‘no’ because it’s a delicate balance for me – I want to protect myself and my boundaries, but at the same time I want to make others feel loved and accepted.  I don’t want to disappoint, I don’t want to offend – I want to please.  Truthfully, saying ‘no’ is one of the most difficult words to get out of my mouth.

As I move into ministry – and into life – I need to utilize this word more.  I need to make ‘no’ a priority in my vocabulary and protect myself and my boundaries, knowing that it’s okay to say ‘no’.  I might offend some people, I might hurt others, but I need to utilize this tool to keep myself safe, sane, and healthy.  May God give me the courage to place this word on my tongue more often, and may my Creator give me the strength to use it when I need to.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Happy (Radiantly).

by ShethLife / Love / Relationships / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Happy (Radiantly).

“Describe a time you were radiantly happy.
What do you value most in that memory?”

I came across this journal prompt yesterday, and I’m not sure how to write about it because truthfully I’m not wired that way anymore.  I admire people who can show their emotions, express themselves freely, and others around them don’t have to guess what is going on.  Me, I’m more of a wildcard, and others around me are continually left guessing as to what I’m feeling.

I wish I could express myself freely and have those ‘radiant’ feelings of joy and happiness, those times when I can cry, laugh, and weep.  I see people around me who are so very emotive and expressive, and I get a little jealous.  Somewhere deep in my mind, I suppose I’ve relinquished the thought that I can be radiantly happy.  Perhaps out of a fear of expecting bad to follow good I’ve denied myself the chance to experience this feeling, and instead have opted to remain staid and demure.  It’s safer this way.  There’s less chance of getting hurt if I can control this side of the ups and downs of life, right?

As I laid in bed last night I peered through my past, and attempted to find a moment when I experienced happiness in this way, but most of the ‘normal’ happiness-inducing moments of my life have been clouded by sorrow.  Finding out I was going to be a father was over-shadowed by divorce papers; finishing my bachelor’s degree was marred by a severely broken leg; a promising relationship was drowned out by unemployment; seminary has been a roller coaster of financial worries.  It’s not that I haven’t had moments that would call out in my life to be radiantly happy, but life has also beaten me down a bit and has left me a bit jaded.

I was talking with some people yesterday about this journal prompt and I told them that I don’t have a lot of moments of radiance because I don’t give myself permission to feel that way anymore.  I’m scared to do it because I’m scared of the bad things that may follow.  It’s silly to live my life in fear (especially a fear of this), but I’ve done it for so long that I don’t really know how to do it any differently.  I don’t know how to be ‘radiantly happy’.

Thinking about it, I realize I have a lot of work to do on myself to understand that it’s okay to feel emotions, to enjoy them, to enjoy life with all its ups-and-downs.  I have to figure out how to find radiant happiness (and the moments that provoke it).  I have to let go of my fears and worries, and just learn to enjoy life.  But I also have to understand that maybe, just maybe, I’m not a ‘radiantly-happy’ kind of person.  Maybe I don’t experience things in that way, and I need to be okay with that.

Whichever way I discover who/how I am, I pray that God can crack my emotions open, that my life can be changed, filtered, cleaned, and re-worked to become the man the Creator made me to become.  I pray that God can help us all to express ourselves in ways that others can understand, and that we can share these emotions with others in our lives.

much love. sheth.

 

Truth: Sin(ful).

by ShethChristianity / Life / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Sin(ful).

.This past week I managed to break seven of the ten commandments (1, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, 10) and filled out the completion card on the ‘seven deadly sins’. Stumbling upon this list (here) in my wanderings through the interwebs, I could probably check off most of these as fulfilled (I didn’t fact-check this list but it can be viewed more of an example of “sins”). If there were a scale going from the ‘Good Christ-like’ down to the ‘Bad Shitty Christian’, I’d be near the bottom.

When I look back and really study my actions, my thoughts, and my words I realize that I didn’t do so great a job. I put myself before others, I didn’t welcome the stranger, and I didn’t feed the hungry. I used God’s name in vain when I was upset, I have put technology at the forefront of my life, and I have been very unproductive. I’ve shown a few people my middle finger, I’ve gossiped, and I’ve coveted things others have that I don’t. I’ve been overly-proud of my accomplishments at school, stared too long at women, and eaten more than I should have. I’ve skipped out on the sabbath, lied about a few little things, and haven’t called my parents. And honestly, that was probably all just from this past Sunday.

I don’t mean to live my life like this – I’m not intending on being a poor example of what a Christian should be, and I don’t wake up each morning with some nefarious plan in my mind about all the shenanigans I’m going to get into. Each morning I wake up hoping that that day will be a good day and that I can do my best to serve God and others in my actions, thoughts, and words. Then I get out of bed and begin my quick descent into sinfulness.

How is it that I have this desire to be Christ-like, but end up being such a bad example that I should just deny my faith (I’m sure that’s a sin) in order to preserve it’s image for others? I know I can’t say ‘the devil made me do it’ – my 4th grade Sunday school teacher squashed that excuse. And I can’t really blame others for my actions, words, or thoughts – sure, that person may have cut me off on the highway, but they didn’t force me to point at the sky with my middle finger. It’s all on me. I am in control of me and what I choose to say, think, and do.

In my summer Biblical Greek course we translated the Lord’s Prayer found in Matthew 6, and I came to the part where it says, “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.” The word ‘deliver’ comes from the Greek word rhysai (ρυσαι) and while it can mean ‘deliver’, it can also mean to rescue, to draw to oneself, to snatch up, or to drag from. I relate to that last one, “And lead us not into temptation, but drag us from evil.” That’s usually the case with me – I am continually heading in the direction of evil, but God has to grab me by my shirt collar and drag me back into those Divine arms and hold me tight.

I’m a bad Christian because it’s easy for me to sink into the pit of sin – it’s easy to speak gossip, to swear, to lie, cheat, and steal. I can look at the good that God has for me, but the world and all its temptations are in my periphery. I’m easily tempted and I falter quickly because I’m human. And yet God is right there to grab me and pull me back, gently telling me “Nope, don’t do that” and allowing me to have a conversation before giving me a hug and sending me on my way again. I can only pray that one day I’ll get this being a Christian thing down pat before it’s all over. And I can only pray that God will be there time and time again when I fail time and time again.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Communion.

by ShethChristianity / Love / Relationships / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Communion.

Last night a group of my friends and I came together to send off one of our fellow seminarians who has been called elsewhere.  It’s a challenging situation, and many hearts were heavy because we didn’t want to see our friend leave – we had struggled together through classes and life, sharing in both the good and bad that comes with each new day – it’s like losing a family member.

Our friend’s request before we went our separate ways was for us to break bread together – to take communion as a group.  As my friend talked about why she felt at peace about her calling, a few of us prepared the meal we were about to take, and it was quickly placed before the group.  As seminarians we sort of hemmed and hawed at who should perform this sacred rite: partially because we may have felt unworthy to do such a thing, and partially because we held fast to the belief that only those who are ordained could serve communion.

Most of us who were present had been through our worship class and had learned how to serve communion – the words to be said were firmly in our hearts and minds and the movements were still present in our muscle memory; it is safe to say that we were prepared enough to do this act.  But none of us were willing to step up and do it.  Our friend who was leaving somewhat reluctantly agreed that she would serve the bread and the wine.

And it was the most beautiful and heartfelt meal I have had in seminary.  In those moments, no words of institution were spoken as we all knew them.  No big and flowing actions were completed as the bread was fractured and the wine was poured.  In that moment we were a group of friends – a group of believers – sharing in the love, grace, and beauty of God’s amazing gift to us.  I recognized Jesus in the voices around me as the bread was passed, and I recognized Jesus in the hands as the cup was presented to each of us.

There are moments in church when we say certain things and do certain things to refresh our memories of why we’re doing those things.  We are presented with beautiful prayers and words to mark the importance and full information of why we’re partaking in those actions.  We do all this stuff because it returns us through history to the very earliest churches who met in homes; small groups of men and women gathered together to hear the Word, to offer up themselves, and to eat together.

Truthfully, I believe that’s what made last night so beautiful – we were doing exactly what Christ had instructed us to do, and we were doing it as the early church had done.  There were no boundaries between anyone and the meal and there were no special words to be spoken; last night we were the church.  We were a group of people madly in love with one another, and madly in love with God, sharing a meal together to remember who we are, who loves us, and who our brothers and sisters are in our eyes and in God’s eyes.

I thank God for my friend who is preparing to leave – I thank God for her wisdom, her courage, her strength, her understanding, her compassion and love for everyone around her, and for her willingness to discern what the Divine is saying and to heed that voice.  And I thank God for her desire to break bread with us before she leaves – this moment has solidified our relationship, and I know that no matter where God chooses to place her (or me, or any of us), I know that she and I (and we) are connected forever.

That’s what communion is about – it connects me to God, and me to those who are enjoying it with me.  It brings about the remembrance of the beautiful sacrifice of Jesus, it solidifies our relationship with the Creator, and it unites people who are continually torn apart by society and life.

May God bless and bring peace to my friend’s heart (and mine, and yours), and may we continually remember those beautiful moments of eating together with our (and God’s) loved ones.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Not Praying.

by ShethChristianity / Prayer / Relationships / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Not Praying.

It’s not uncommon for me to hear of requests for prayer, either through the churches I attend, on my Facebook Feed, or through my school’s email list, and I can read anywhere from one to three requests for prayer (or more) per day.  These don’t include the occasional texts I receive from friends or family, and the even rarer in-person requests for me to pray for something or someone.  And I always respond with a fervent ‘Yes! I’d be glad to pray!”  If I’m responding online or in a text, my responses usually include an exclamation point at the end to signify my excitement and urgency in this, my call to action:

Praying for you in this time!
Lifting you up in prayers now!
Going to God with this immediately!
You’re in my prayers today and always!
#praying #interceding #headbowedhandsfolded

But the truth is, my actions usually never go beyond these responses.  While I’m eager to pray and willing to do so, the requests come to my prayer inbox but don’t go straight to my prayer outbox…they just kind of sit there, marked as read and perpetually in limbo for eternity.  I’m terrible at following through in my responses to prayer requests.  Being on the opposite side of the table – the one requesting prayer – I recognize how important it is to know others are lifting me or my issues up to God, and I count on those who respond that they will pray to do as they say.  So why can’t I do it?

I’m not not-praying in some malicious way.  I’m not intentionally telling people I’ll pray and give them hope, only to not pray for them.  I don’t sit at my computer or with my phone in hand replying and thinking (with a Snidely Whiplash tone in my voice), “Ha Ha!  I’ll say that I’m praying, but in reality I won’t think about their injured puppy ever again! Muahahahaha!”

And I’m not not-praying because I don’t believe in the power of prayer, either.  I value prayer and the idea that we can approach God with confidence and humility and present our requests, thoughts, frustrations, ideas, hopes, dreams, fears, and questions.  There’s something deeply reassuring to know that the Creator has time to sit and listen to me and my voice amid the myriad of other voices crying out.

I think my reason for not praying is that these requests tend to show up at ‘inconvenient’ times for me, and my selfishness gets in the way.  I respond with fervor and willingness, but I always back it up with me making a half-hearted mental note, “Hey, don’t forget to pray for Annie’s nephew later…and don’t forget to buy deodorant.”  And I never do it.  My mind moves on to the next thing, the next problem in front of me, the next issue going on in my world and I never return to pray for Annie’s nephew, or my parents’ health, or my friend’s marriage, or teenagers I know who are struggling, or for my country, or for my church home, or for that family who lost their father, or…or…or…

It’s not like I don’t have anything to pray about – I just tend to lose it in the shuffle of my life.  I put it aside for later and never return to it.  And part of why I don’t just pray for it then and there is because I think there are more pressing matters at hand which…which is stupid, because very little of what I ever do is more important than praying.  When I think about it, the things that come into view that keep me from praying are just ridiculous compared to talking to God about Annie’s nephew or that teenager or my friend’s marriage.  Rich Mullins wrote, “…the stuff of Earth competes for the allegiance I owe only to the Giver of all good things…”  And the ‘stuff of earth’ usually wins: Facebook…the news cycle…phone notifications…some TV show…games…a shiny light…there’s so much going on around us to draw me away from getting down and praying in the moment I say I’m going to pray.

Honestly, I’m ashamed of myself for doing this for so long,  I’m ashamed because I have said I’m going to do something and then don’t do it.  I’m ashamed for not putting others before my silly-life-things.  I’m ashamed for not immediately going to God with these requests.  God have mercy on me in the midst of my failures, and may I have the ability to change.  And may the stuff of Earth never take priority over talking with my Creator.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Comprehension.

by ShethChristianity / Essay / Love / Prayer / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Comprehension.

My grandmother’s frail hands slightly shook, uncontrolled, as they waivered over the opened Bible in front of her.  She looked at me, then back to the text, and then back at me.  I could see the frustration in her eyes: she was frustrated because she wanted to talk to me and ask me questions about the book, but she was also frustrated by the book itself.  She pushed her weakened voice until a tiny sentence came out, ragged and quiet, “How do I read this?”

In her 95 years my grandma encountered the Bible many times – she had been to church for nearly all those years, had a close relationship with God, and fostered the love of her Creator in her children and grandchildren.  Over the last few years of her life she occasionally admitted to me that she had struggled in reading and understanding the Bible and all it entailed.  Her beliefs never waivered much, but she wrestled with comprehending the words she read.

In that moment as we sat together in the nursing home, I desperately wanted to say something profound and inspirational to her.  I wanted to say something that would console her in her final weeks on this earth; I thought for a second and blurted out, “Keep doing what you’re doing.  Read, ask questions, pray, re-read, pray, ask questions.  And repeat that again and again.”  I smiled and held her hand, but I knew my answer wasn’t entirely profound, and definitely not inspirational.  I knew that my words frustrated her even more.

It was hard to guide my grandmother at that moment in how to read the Bible because she knew the Bible – she lived out its pages all her life as she fed the hungry and gave to the needy (Proverbs 31:20), raised a good family (Proverbs 31:28), encouraged her friends (Hebrews 10:25), talked with others about God (Mark 16:15), brought my grandpa utter joy and love (Proverbs 12:4), built a strong household (Proverbs 14:1), and tried to understand the Word (Proverbs 1:7).  She wasn’t just a hearer of the word, but a doer (James 1:22).

My grandma sought after God and found what she was looking for in spite of her doubts, fears, and frustrations.  She may have thought she wasn’t doing this Christianity thing right, but she was doing it exactly the way it should be done.  She plowed forward and fought to find God so she could hear that still, small voice in the deserts of her life.  She professed her love of God with her voice, with her smile, with her love for others.  She understood the Bible more than she thought she did, and taught many others around her how to understand it as well.

Truthfully, I would do well to heed the same words I gave my grandma and act as she did because I, too, struggle to understand the Bible.  Despite the classes I’ve taken in (and out) of seminary, I often feel that I don’t know much of anything, and I often wonder if I’m doing anything right.  I suppose part of my struggle is that I want to do everything correctly and honor what I read before I put it into practice, but I’m putting it into practice and not perfection.  I’m going to screw up, I’m going to make mistakes and errors (a lot – trust me, I will), but thankfully God gives me (and you, and my grandma) lots of leeway to try and figure it out as we go.

May we read, ask questions, pray, re-read, ask questions, pray, and re-read the word of God until we comprehend the tiniest of details, and may we act according to what we read, even if we don’t understand fully how to do it.

much love. sheth.