Category: Seminary

Truth: Happy (Radiantly).

by ShethLife / Love / Relationships / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Happy (Radiantly).

“Describe a time you were radiantly happy.
What do you value most in that memory?”

I came across this journal prompt yesterday, and I’m not sure how to write about it because truthfully I’m not wired that way anymore.  I admire people who can show their emotions, express themselves freely, and others around them don’t have to guess what is going on.  Me, I’m more of a wildcard, and others around me are continually left guessing as to what I’m feeling.

I wish I could express myself freely and have those ‘radiant’ feelings of joy and happiness, those times when I can cry, laugh, and weep.  I see people around me who are so very emotive and expressive, and I get a little jealous.  Somewhere deep in my mind, I suppose I’ve relinquished the thought that I can be radiantly happy.  Perhaps out of a fear of expecting bad to follow good I’ve denied myself the chance to experience this feeling, and instead have opted to remain staid and demure.  It’s safer this way.  There’s less chance of getting hurt if I can control this side of the ups and downs of life, right?

As I laid in bed last night I peered through my past, and attempted to find a moment when I experienced happiness in this way, but most of the ‘normal’ happiness-inducing moments of my life have been clouded by sorrow.  Finding out I was going to be a father was over-shadowed by divorce papers; finishing my bachelor’s degree was marred by a severely broken leg; a promising relationship was drowned out by unemployment; seminary has been a roller coaster of financial worries.  It’s not that I haven’t had moments that would call out in my life to be radiantly happy, but life has also beaten me down a bit and has left me a bit jaded.

I was talking with some people yesterday about this journal prompt and I told them that I don’t have a lot of moments of radiance because I don’t give myself permission to feel that way anymore.  I’m scared to do it because I’m scared of the bad things that may follow.  It’s silly to live my life in fear (especially a fear of this), but I’ve done it for so long that I don’t really know how to do it any differently.  I don’t know how to be ‘radiantly happy’.

Thinking about it, I realize I have a lot of work to do on myself to understand that it’s okay to feel emotions, to enjoy them, to enjoy life with all its ups-and-downs.  I have to figure out how to find radiant happiness (and the moments that provoke it).  I have to let go of my fears and worries, and just learn to enjoy life.  But I also have to understand that maybe, just maybe, I’m not a ‘radiantly-happy’ kind of person.  Maybe I don’t experience things in that way, and I need to be okay with that.

Whichever way I discover who/how I am, I pray that God can crack my emotions open, that my life can be changed, filtered, cleaned, and re-worked to become the man the Creator made me to become.  I pray that God can help us all to express ourselves in ways that others can understand, and that we can share these emotions with others in our lives.

much love. sheth.

 

Truth: Communion.

by ShethChristianity / Love / Relationships / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Communion.

Last night a group of my friends and I came together to send off one of our fellow seminarians who has been called elsewhere.  It’s a challenging situation, and many hearts were heavy because we didn’t want to see our friend leave – we had struggled together through classes and life, sharing in both the good and bad that comes with each new day – it’s like losing a family member.

Our friend’s request before we went our separate ways was for us to break bread together – to take communion as a group.  As my friend talked about why she felt at peace about her calling, a few of us prepared the meal we were about to take, and it was quickly placed before the group.  As seminarians we sort of hemmed and hawed at who should perform this sacred rite: partially because we may have felt unworthy to do such a thing, and partially because we held fast to the belief that only those who are ordained could serve communion.

Most of us who were present had been through our worship class and had learned how to serve communion – the words to be said were firmly in our hearts and minds and the movements were still present in our muscle memory; it is safe to say that we were prepared enough to do this act.  But none of us were willing to step up and do it.  Our friend who was leaving somewhat reluctantly agreed that she would serve the bread and the wine.

And it was the most beautiful and heartfelt meal I have had in seminary.  In those moments, no words of institution were spoken as we all knew them.  No big and flowing actions were completed as the bread was fractured and the wine was poured.  In that moment we were a group of friends – a group of believers – sharing in the love, grace, and beauty of God’s amazing gift to us.  I recognized Jesus in the voices around me as the bread was passed, and I recognized Jesus in the hands as the cup was presented to each of us.

There are moments in church when we say certain things and do certain things to refresh our memories of why we’re doing those things.  We are presented with beautiful prayers and words to mark the importance and full information of why we’re partaking in those actions.  We do all this stuff because it returns us through history to the very earliest churches who met in homes; small groups of men and women gathered together to hear the Word, to offer up themselves, and to eat together.

Truthfully, I believe that’s what made last night so beautiful – we were doing exactly what Christ had instructed us to do, and we were doing it as the early church had done.  There were no boundaries between anyone and the meal and there were no special words to be spoken; last night we were the church.  We were a group of people madly in love with one another, and madly in love with God, sharing a meal together to remember who we are, who loves us, and who our brothers and sisters are in our eyes and in God’s eyes.

I thank God for my friend who is preparing to leave – I thank God for her wisdom, her courage, her strength, her understanding, her compassion and love for everyone around her, and for her willingness to discern what the Divine is saying and to heed that voice.  And I thank God for her desire to break bread with us before she leaves – this moment has solidified our relationship, and I know that no matter where God chooses to place her (or me, or any of us), I know that she and I (and we) are connected forever.

That’s what communion is about – it connects me to God, and me to those who are enjoying it with me.  It brings about the remembrance of the beautiful sacrifice of Jesus, it solidifies our relationship with the Creator, and it unites people who are continually torn apart by society and life.

May God bless and bring peace to my friend’s heart (and mine, and yours), and may we continually remember those beautiful moments of eating together with our (and God’s) loved ones.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Not Praying.

by ShethChristianity / Prayer / Relationships / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Not Praying.

It’s not uncommon for me to hear of requests for prayer, either through the churches I attend, on my Facebook Feed, or through my school’s email list, and I can read anywhere from one to three requests for prayer (or more) per day.  These don’t include the occasional texts I receive from friends or family, and the even rarer in-person requests for me to pray for something or someone.  And I always respond with a fervent ‘Yes! I’d be glad to pray!”  If I’m responding online or in a text, my responses usually include an exclamation point at the end to signify my excitement and urgency in this, my call to action:

Praying for you in this time!
Lifting you up in prayers now!
Going to God with this immediately!
You’re in my prayers today and always!
#praying #interceding #headbowedhandsfolded

But the truth is, my actions usually never go beyond these responses.  While I’m eager to pray and willing to do so, the requests come to my prayer inbox but don’t go straight to my prayer outbox…they just kind of sit there, marked as read and perpetually in limbo for eternity.  I’m terrible at following through in my responses to prayer requests.  Being on the opposite side of the table – the one requesting prayer – I recognize how important it is to know others are lifting me or my issues up to God, and I count on those who respond that they will pray to do as they say.  So why can’t I do it?

I’m not not-praying in some malicious way.  I’m not intentionally telling people I’ll pray and give them hope, only to not pray for them.  I don’t sit at my computer or with my phone in hand replying and thinking (with a Snidely Whiplash tone in my voice), “Ha Ha!  I’ll say that I’m praying, but in reality I won’t think about their injured puppy ever again! Muahahahaha!”

And I’m not not-praying because I don’t believe in the power of prayer, either.  I value prayer and the idea that we can approach God with confidence and humility and present our requests, thoughts, frustrations, ideas, hopes, dreams, fears, and questions.  There’s something deeply reassuring to know that the Creator has time to sit and listen to me and my voice amid the myriad of other voices crying out.

I think my reason for not praying is that these requests tend to show up at ‘inconvenient’ times for me, and my selfishness gets in the way.  I respond with fervor and willingness, but I always back it up with me making a half-hearted mental note, “Hey, don’t forget to pray for Annie’s nephew later…and don’t forget to buy deodorant.”  And I never do it.  My mind moves on to the next thing, the next problem in front of me, the next issue going on in my world and I never return to pray for Annie’s nephew, or my parents’ health, or my friend’s marriage, or teenagers I know who are struggling, or for my country, or for my church home, or for that family who lost their father, or…or…or…

It’s not like I don’t have anything to pray about – I just tend to lose it in the shuffle of my life.  I put it aside for later and never return to it.  And part of why I don’t just pray for it then and there is because I think there are more pressing matters at hand which…which is stupid, because very little of what I ever do is more important than praying.  When I think about it, the things that come into view that keep me from praying are just ridiculous compared to talking to God about Annie’s nephew or that teenager or my friend’s marriage.  Rich Mullins wrote, “…the stuff of Earth competes for the allegiance I owe only to the Giver of all good things…”  And the ‘stuff of earth’ usually wins: Facebook…the news cycle…phone notifications…some TV show…games…a shiny light…there’s so much going on around us to draw me away from getting down and praying in the moment I say I’m going to pray.

Honestly, I’m ashamed of myself for doing this for so long,  I’m ashamed because I have said I’m going to do something and then don’t do it.  I’m ashamed for not putting others before my silly-life-things.  I’m ashamed for not immediately going to God with these requests.  God have mercy on me in the midst of my failures, and may I have the ability to change.  And may the stuff of Earth never take priority over talking with my Creator.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Comprehension.

by ShethChristianity / Essay / Love / Prayer / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Comprehension.

My grandmother’s frail hands slightly shook, uncontrolled, as they waivered over the opened Bible in front of her.  She looked at me, then back to the text, and then back at me.  I could see the frustration in her eyes: she was frustrated because she wanted to talk to me and ask me questions about the book, but she was also frustrated by the book itself.  She pushed her weakened voice until a tiny sentence came out, ragged and quiet, “How do I read this?”

In her 95 years my grandma encountered the Bible many times – she had been to church for nearly all those years, had a close relationship with God, and fostered the love of her Creator in her children and grandchildren.  Over the last few years of her life she occasionally admitted to me that she had struggled in reading and understanding the Bible and all it entailed.  Her beliefs never waivered much, but she wrestled with comprehending the words she read.

In that moment as we sat together in the nursing home, I desperately wanted to say something profound and inspirational to her.  I wanted to say something that would console her in her final weeks on this earth; I thought for a second and blurted out, “Keep doing what you’re doing.  Read, ask questions, pray, re-read, pray, ask questions.  And repeat that again and again.”  I smiled and held her hand, but I knew my answer wasn’t entirely profound, and definitely not inspirational.  I knew that my words frustrated her even more.

It was hard to guide my grandmother at that moment in how to read the Bible because she knew the Bible – she lived out its pages all her life as she fed the hungry and gave to the needy (Proverbs 31:20), raised a good family (Proverbs 31:28), encouraged her friends (Hebrews 10:25), talked with others about God (Mark 16:15), brought my grandpa utter joy and love (Proverbs 12:4), built a strong household (Proverbs 14:1), and tried to understand the Word (Proverbs 1:7).  She wasn’t just a hearer of the word, but a doer (James 1:22).

My grandma sought after God and found what she was looking for in spite of her doubts, fears, and frustrations.  She may have thought she wasn’t doing this Christianity thing right, but she was doing it exactly the way it should be done.  She plowed forward and fought to find God so she could hear that still, small voice in the deserts of her life.  She professed her love of God with her voice, with her smile, with her love for others.  She understood the Bible more than she thought she did, and taught many others around her how to understand it as well.

Truthfully, I would do well to heed the same words I gave my grandma and act as she did because I, too, struggle to understand the Bible.  Despite the classes I’ve taken in (and out) of seminary, I often feel that I don’t know much of anything, and I often wonder if I’m doing anything right.  I suppose part of my struggle is that I want to do everything correctly and honor what I read before I put it into practice, but I’m putting it into practice and not perfection.  I’m going to screw up, I’m going to make mistakes and errors (a lot – trust me, I will), but thankfully God gives me (and you, and my grandma) lots of leeway to try and figure it out as we go.

May we read, ask questions, pray, re-read, ask questions, pray, and re-read the word of God until we comprehend the tiniest of details, and may we act according to what we read, even if we don’t understand fully how to do it.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Flying Solo.

by ShethChristianity / Life / Love / Relationships / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Flying Solo.

.In order to shut my mind down at the end of the night, I often imagine myself in certain situations: super-secret spy, lonely drifter, inspirational teacher/coach, or mountain man. This last one tends to capture my interest a lot as I place myself in the wilderness of British Columbia, hundreds of miles from civilization with only a few small items to survive. I usually imagine going to this place to get away from it all and to live my life in peace, seclusion, and quiet.

While my imagination can take with this scenario a thousand different ways, I almost always run into a snag – there are certain times when I need help, either with lifting the beams for my hewn-log cabin, or carrying a moose through the swamplands, or fending off a pack of wolves. As much as I would like to imagine living life in solitude, I still run into the fact that I need others in my life.

I’ve tended to follow this train of thought in my real life as well, “I can do this on my own!” only to realize that a board is too heavy, or my car will fall on top of me, or I can’t face having a difficult conversation alone. The truth is I need people in my life to push me forward, to help me when I need it, to encourage me, to chastise me, to keep me accountable…I can’t do this life alone.

I had a sampling of beer with a friend yesterday and as we were talking about seminary, life, family, and my future, I realized how important this relationship is to me. Over the past week of being back in my hometown I’ve met with seven friends who truly care about me and want to help me succeed. They desire nothing but the best for me and hope I can become the real ‘Sheth’ they know is within me. These relationships move me beyond myself and my selfish thinking (that I can do life alone) and they help me realize that others care deeply about me.

As hard as we try, we need relationships with other people. Recently, I ran across this show “Mountain Men” on the History Channel and it intrigued me for a number of reasons, but mainly that these tough, rugged, scraggly people in remote locations depend on other tough, rugged, scraggly people for their survival. They reach out to one another to hunt, build homes, farm, raise their kids, chase off mountain lions, pick berries, drink wine, laugh, and play games. All people need people.

I’m about to wrap up my time in Salida and probably won’t be back for a few months, but I know I have a large group of people here who will always be there for me, will prod me on in life, and will call me out when needed. And as I return to Austin, I know I have a large group of friends there who will do the exact same thing. I shake my head at my former self for trying so desperately to go at it alone, but now I know the importance of living snd doing life with others.

May God grant us wisdom to reach out for others, and may the Creator place people in our lives who will help us to be who we are meant to be.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Nose Goes!

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When it comes to praying, I’ve noticed that since middle school there’s always been a rush to see who could touch their nose first – the last to do so having to pray in front of the group.  As a shy and introverted teenager I wasn’t always thrilled to pray in front of others and was usually the first to have my index finger on my snout.  But as I’ve grown older and more comfortable in speaking with God, I’m usually the one who ends up praying – partially because my reflexes aren’t as cat-like as they once were, but mostly because I’m okay with praying in a group.

In truth, for me, my faith is one of the few places where I let people into my life to see who I am – I don’t always let people know my personal stuff (family issues, self-doubts, frustrations, loneliness), so to pray in public is fine with me.  I’d rather be vulnerable and stripped bare in my faith than in other places in my life.  I find comfort in being open in my faith because it’s one place where I know others are uncomfortable and feel just as nervous and terrified and unsure about it as I do, and I know that most won’t judge me for where I’m at in the whole thing.

For the most part I think people enjoy and see the necessity to pray to God; what people don’t always relish is praying in front of other people.  There’s a certain amount of vulnerability involved in speaking to our deity and oftentimes we do it in a very naked way.  In those moments of speaking with God we are stripped of all pretenses, all airs of greatness, all pompousness and we are who we really are apart from everything we’ve made ourselves to be.

To be that naked and that vulnerable with other people can be scary.  That’s where I think a lot of people get hung up when praying out-loud – we’re afraid of judgement.  We’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, saying something outlandish or improper, not having the right words or phrases, or not being concise.  We’re afraid that someone will judge our way of praying and we feel that it’s better to remain silent than to be vulnerable.

But by praying together, I hope that these moments can be places where relationships can grow and form and strengthen.  In our most bare times do we find our places of connection.  When someone else in a group prays with me I find a bridge to them – they are speaking to the same God and are giving words to the same feelings and thoughts and emotions I may be having.  In those moments I feel most alive, most connected, and least terrified of being alone.  Praying with others puts me on a team, places me in the hearts and minds of others, drawing me into them and they into me.

My friends, may there never be a moment of nose-goes in your prayer lives!  Pray together and be together.  Let us strip away all of our doubts and fears and be open in those moments of speaking with God as one body.  Let us be free of judgement of ourselves and others and let us grow together, fully knowing God and one another.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Existence.

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During a recent homework session with a few of my friends from my Biblical Greek class, one of my classmates gave me this flash card.  I’m not sure why exactly she gave it to me, but I’ve kept it and it’s been sitting on my desk for about a week.  I’ve been studying it: the Greek itself is correct, as is the English translation, so I’m not sure why she gave it to me.

But as I’ve been looking at it day after day, I’ve come to the realization that, from time to time, maybe we all feel the need to give a card like this to people in our world.  I think we all have moments when we want to reach out to others and have them see us and acknowledge our existence.

I’m a fairly shy person by nature, and I’d rather be a wallflower than the center of attention in almost any situation.  But, I’d still like for people to, at the very least, acknowledge that I am present and that I exist.  It’s one thing to know that people know I’m there, it’s another thing to know I’m ignored completely.  Truthfully, there are many times when I can come and go from a party, a class room, or a church and no one would ever know I was there to begin with; I was a ghost of a person – my existence (outside of my own knowledge) was never made known.

Now, certainly there is a bit of work to do on my part – I need to at least say hello to a few people, chat up someone, make a joke, talk about the weather – but there also needs to be work done by others as well.  We all need to be intentional in finding everyone at a party, at an event, in a classroom, on the street, or in a place of worship.

One of the greatest things I’ve heard from a friend recently was a comment made towards me: “I see you.”  This shook my core because even though I hadn’t done anything at all, she still went out of her way to acknowledge me as a human being and to confirm my existence.  It was a simple gesture that lifted my spirits in a way that few other things had done that day.

These little gestures of seeing can go a long way to make people feel alive: a simple hello to a stranger in the grocery store, a few small coins given to the panhandler on the corner, a genuine question of “How is your day?” to the convenience store clerk, a smile and wave to a neighbor.  These are simple acts that tell others that we see them, that we know they are, and that we know they exist.

May God give us the eyes and voice to witness others’ existence in this fast-moving world, and may others do the same for us.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Be You

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Going into seminary, I knew that people would treat me differently, but I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly.  And I didn’t expect people to treat themselves differently.  When I was leaving my job last August I had a conversation with one of the truck drivers:

Him: “You sonofabitch, I heard you were leaving the post office!”
Me: “Yeah, I’m going back to school – I’ll be heading to Austin soon.”
Him: “No shit?!  That’s badass…what are you going to be studying?”
Me: “I’m going to seminary to become a pastor in a church.”
Him: “Oh, wow.  How very nice for you.  I am glad to hear that you will be doing that.  May God bless you on this journey.”

The moment I mentioned ‘pastor in a church’, Marty’s entire demeanor changed.  He stooped a little bit, lowered his head, and brought his hands together as if he was going to start praying.  In that instant he changed who he was – from the Marty I knew (swearing, boisterous, crude) – to this new Marty (proper, clean-mouthed, reverent).  And I didn’t like it one bit, either.

 

Honestly, I don’t like this change that people make when they discover I’m going into a church-related field because they suddenly become someone they’re not.  Marty struggles more to not swear than to swear.  People who haven’t prayed in decades suddenly have an urge to say grace over their meal when I join them at their table.  Friends want to tell me that they have a Bible app on their phone and that they’re trying to read it every day.  The cigarettes are hidden, the beer is tucked behind the leftovers in the fridge, and everyone is so polite and loving.  But it’s all a ruse, and I know it is.

The greatest thing you can do for me, and for your friends who are Christians, is just be you.  Don’t try to save face by pretending to be someone you’re not.  I love you for who you are!  I want nothing more than to meet you right where you’re at in life – praying or not, Bible-reading or not, church-attending or not.  Give me the real you and let me love you as you are, not as you think I’d want you to be.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Exhausted

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I finished my first year of seminary this past Friday, and I’m still at 1% – even after three days of rest.  I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.

I expected a certain amount of mental fatigue since this is the first time I’ve taken a full load of classes in over a decade.  I knew there would be a learning curve, not only with the academics themselves, but with re-learning to learn.  How do I read critically again?  How do I skim 175 pages in two days?  What do I highlight and underline?

I even expected the physical exhaustion because using the brain can pull energy away from the rest of your body.  I have had to think abstractly about the filioque, attempt to use what I learned of an ancient language, write a 54 page report, read the book of Revelation with an open mind, and memorize, memorize, memorize.  And I can’t forget the papers I have had to write.  And facts to recall.  And names of long-dead white men.  And the names of living revolutionary Latinas.  And battlefields in France.

But honestly, I didn’t expect the emotional fatigue.  I was told (as most seminarians have been) that I needed to make sure I didn’t lose my faith in seminary.  I get it – I understand how this can ruin people’s beliefs about God, humanity, and creation.  There are times when I have had serious doubts about the whole thing; I’m sure there will be many more in my near future.  But the emotional fatigue comes from two places: first – in finally discovering who I am and who I can be, and second – learning how broken and needy this world truly is.  It’s exhausting to leave class with a broken heart day after day.  It’s exhausting realizing that I didn’t know that much about the New Testament.  It’s exhausting letting go of long-held beliefs.

For now, all I can do is rest.  All I can do is find comfort in God and what the Divine is choosing to do with me.  I don’t have all the answers (and I for sure won’t ever have all the answers).  But I can sit back, put my feet up, and acknowledge that God is doing something amazing with me even in this moment of being at 1%.  I will find my charging station.  I will find my outlet.  I will be provided with occasions to fill up and give out and fill up again.  May God give us opportunities to give until exhaustion and periods to recharge before giving again.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Companion

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When someone sees me with my Bible open in front of me they always comment how tiny it is and my reply is something like, “I bought it when I had 21 year-old eyes and could see the print much easier.  Now I have to really work to see the words.”  I’ll hold the book up to my face and squint my eyes ever-so-dramatically to show what it’s like when I read.

I bought this little travel Bible before I went on my first mission trip to Kosovo in 2001 and it’s ventured with me ever since.  Together we’ve ‘hopped the pond’ multiple times, been way down south in Mexico, and even further in to South America.  We’ve made a round trip drive of the Al-Can highway and we’ve spent solitary time in the Valley of the Gods in Utah.  Within five weeks we traveled roughly 26,000 miles through 36 states as I went through a career-crisis and attempted to be a semi-truck driver.

On all of these trips and adventures I’ve brought this Bible with me, but to be honest, even though I had it with me I never read it that much.  I would pull it out now and again, briefly read a short passage or just one verse, and tuck it back into my suitcase.  If anything, I would return to my favorite verses or passages and re-read them, but I would never be in deep study – highlighting and making notes – with this book.

Truthfully, this little Bible has been less about the words that it contained and more about the promise that it held: the promise that God will always be with me.  In all those lonely times, in those times of fear, in those times of desperation and feeling lost, God and this little book have been my constant companions.

I don’t know where we’ll head to next (truthfully, this adventure to the Lone Star State has been a big enough ride for a while), but I keep it with me and hold tight to the promises it holds on my life.  May God always remain close to us in the travels we go on in body, in spirit, and in heart.

much love. sheth.