Truth: Monks & Burros

With an overabundance of humility, I’d like to say that most days I’m the monk in this poem: reaching out to those around me, making their lives a little better, and spreading love where it’s needed most.  I’d like to think I’m giving my best to this world and am embodying Mark 12:31 in loving my neighbor as I love myself.

But, as my pride comes crashing down, I have to admit that most days I’m the burro.  I need someone to reach out to me and ask me how I’m doing.  I need someone to look me in the eyes and see the honest answers to the tough questions.  I need someone to help me with these heavy loads I’m carrying.

The unfortunate truth is that I tend to keep my ‘stuff’ to myself because I don’t want to lay it on someone else.  I maintain my identity as a beast of burden because I see how much ‘stuff’ other people have in their own lives and I don’t want to add to their load.  In my mind it’s a noble act, but it’s also destructive.  I can only travel so far before exhaustion sets in and the weight becomes too much to bear.  In my desire to be the best monk I can be, I turn into the burro over time.

Perhaps that’s why I cherish this poem so much: at any point in my life I can relate to one of the characters.  I’ll go through periods of ‘monk-ness’ where I can be the one who loves and cares for others.  And on the opposite side of the same coin, I can go through periods of ‘burro-ness’ where I need others to care for me, to love me, and to ease my burdens.

Some days we can bring the pear to the stables and make this life a little better, but some days we need the sweetness of love and freedom brought to us.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Love/Hurt

As a teenager I fell for the Columbia House Music sales pitch – they’d send me 10 free CD’s for one measly, dusty penny! Then, over the course of a year they’d keep sending me CD’s in the mail, and I would only have to pay for the ones I kept. This was an asterisk moment where I should have read the fine print. It turned out that if I opened up a CD and listened to it, I bought it. If I didn’t return a CD within the small window of opportunity, I bought it. And no, I didn’t get 10 CD’s for a penny, that’s ridiculous; I eventually had to pay for them all.

“One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?” “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”” Mark 12:28-31, NIV

Jesus could not have made it any easier or simpler for us to understand: love the Lord your God; love your neighbor as yourself. It can’t get any straight-forward than that. Love…the good, beautiful, nice, heartfelt moments…violins slowly rising in the background as two friends, brothers, or partners enjoy one another’s presence as they walk down the sidewalk together.

Looking at this verse from Mark, I feel like this is also an asterisk moment. On the outset of reading this passage, it sounds really wonderful. Anyone can love! Love God, love my neighbor, love myself – it’s all sunshine, Spider-Man face paintings, churros, and orange sodas. Seriously, sign me up!

But there’s a lot of other stuff that comes with this love. Being called to love is being called to hurt. Sadly, sometimes the churros aren’t covered in sugar, the orange sodas are warm, the sun is blocked out by gray clouds, and the face painter packed up and went home hours ago. This partner to love – hurt – is not something that I enjoy. Truthfully, I don’t like experiencing hurt and pain and rejection, but I suffer through it because I’m called to it.

The difficulty in loving others is that I’m bound to get hurt – and get hurt a lot. I wrestle with whether or not to take on this love and the accompanying hurt. Is it better to not love, to not hurt, to not be heartbroken again and again? I can reject this call and live my life for myself, avoiding the bad and seeking out only the good.

But this love/hurt is something I choose to accept. I choose to put myself in the messy chaos of it all because I want to be there with others. I want to love, and I’ll take the hurt that comes with it. Some days I’ll eat churros with lots of cinnamon sugar, some days I’ll eat them plain, and some days I won’t be able to even find the churro cart. In the moments of hurt I’ll still be living out the greatest call on my life – to love.

much love. sheth.

Is. Is. Is. And Will Be.

Every Easter morning in my hometown, a small band of musicians wanders from church to church and plays for each congregation, giving their small gift to the community and to God.  They bear their gifts of brass – trumpets, French horns, trombones, and tubas – playing just one song, “Christ the Lord is Risen Today.”

I’ve heard this group play this song whenever I’ve been in Salida for Easter since 1992, when, at the age of 13, I arrived with my family.  As a youth I found the song to be a rather rote affair as it had been a staple in my life since birth and was always accompanied by a piano or organ.  But when I first heard the Salida Brass open up the song that year, I was hooked.  They play a great fanfare to start the song, and it grabs the attention of everyone in attendance.  They don’t just play that opening, they pronounce that fanfare – trumpets and horns and trombones all blasting their notes in full, open, resounding tones in a joyous, loud chorus.

It’s a moment that rattles one’s gut and pierces the ears, but in an utterly good way.  It’s shocking, eye-opening, and one can do nothing but pay attention.  And the congregants, standing in as the choir, join in shortly afterward, singing those sweet words, “Christ the Lord is risen today…”  We sing of a moment that occurred nearly 2000 years ago, using the words from a song written nearly 300 years ago, and yet, those words still ring true to this very day for so many of us who sing.

We don’t sing in the past tense, “Christ the Lord was risen that day…”, no, we sing that He is risen today.  On this day, and every day, we sing those words that Jesus is risen, is alive, is present in our lives.  We should welcome Christ every day with such great a fanfare, shouting to our friends and family, proclaiming to the rocks and trees, rivers and fields that Christ is risen.  Is.  Is.  Is.  And will be forever.

Happiest of Easters, my friends.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Love

As desperately as I want to love God, and as willing as I am to love others, when the mirror is placed in front of me and I’m staring at myself, I wrinkle my nose and I turn away.  I find it easy to love my neighbor – my friends, my family, the person walking down the street – but it’s difficult to love myself.

The truth about me is that I don’t love myself most of the time.  I don’t feel worthy of my own love.  And if I don’t feel worthy of my own love, how could I possibly feel worthy of someone else’s love?  I have internalized words I’ve heard said about me from some time in my past, and these ghostly voices keep speaking to me.  I have heard these messages for so long that they are almost like elevator music in my own heart, faintly, continually playing in the background.

And this is detrimental to my desire to serve God, because if I really want to love others, I have to believe that I am loveable.  How can I give away something that I don’t really have a grasp on in the first place?  How can I tell people how much they are loved if I don’t believe it myself?  How hypocritical it is of me to whisper in my friend’s ear that she needs to love herself when I don’t even do it myself!  It’s easy to recognize the problem in other people’s lives, but it’s more difficult to look inward and see what the problem is in our own hearts.

This quote from Carl Jung shook me up recently: “What if you discovered that the least of the brethren of Jesus, the one who needs your love the most, the one you can help the most by loving, the one to whom your love will be the most meaningful – what if you discovered that this least of the brethren of Jesus…is you?”

I need to do for myself what I would do for others, and more importantly, I need to look at myself the way God looks at me.  How pompous of me to grade myself on a rubric that is more strict than the one my Lord grades me on!  I need to be as loving, compassionate, gracious, and forgiving of myself as God is towards me.

much love. sheth.

Palms and Purex

I had skipped church this morning and was sitting at the laundromat pondering this holy day, this Palm Sunday.  (Long digression: I have been crunched for time lately and my pile of dirty clothes outmatched my pile of clean clothes; I was dipping into the reserves – those clothes I wear only when I have nothing else to wear)  I don’t feel guilty about missing church – we should never feel guilty about skipping church – but I was a little sad that I didn’t handle my time better.

As I was watching my laundry tumble in the dryer, I was thinking about the Palm Sunday story: as Jesus and his disciples were walking toward Jerusalem, Jesus sent two of his friends ahead and told them to bring back a donkey and colt.  The two disciples scampered off and returned shortly with the animals.  Jesus’ buddies put their cloaks on the beast, then Jesus climbed on and moseyed down the dusty road.  Shortly thereafter, the crowds began spreading out their cloaks and cutting palm branches to place on the road in front of him as Jesus moved along.

“The crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed shouted, ‘Hosanna to the Son of David!’ ‘Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!’ ‘Hosanna in the highest heaven!’”  (Matthew 21:9, NIV)

I’ve been reflecting on this passage and what it means – do I welcome Jesus into my own life like those along the road toward Jerusalem?  Am I shouting “Jesus is here!” every morning as I wake?  Do I look at Him with overflowing love and awe?  Do I speak of Jesus’ love in exuberant ways to those around me?  Am I recklessly running after Him, casting off my cares, my worries, and my to-do lists to be with Him?

I like to think of myself as being a fairly reserved individual – someone who is cool under pressure and can take care of business.  But how often do I let this ‘coolness’ keep me from expressing all that I feel, know, and believe?  How often do I let my reserved self hold back my joyous self?

How crazy of me to not be one of those on the side of the road shouting for joy at Jesus’ appearances in my life!  How silly of me to fail to recognize Jesus’ presence in my life each day!  How many fetters have I placed on my soul – on my joy – to not be willing to dance, like David, with all my might?  May God give me the ability to live in the freedom I have to lay myself down before Jesus and to shout with uncontainable joy at the top of my voice of His love!

much love. sheth.

Truth: Unfriendly Friends

I have to memorize and practice my Lord’s Day presiding stuff.  I have to start researching for a paper on my liturgical tradition.  When do I need to renew my car insurance?  I have to finish filling out my FAFSA.  I have to finish my Genesis exegesis presentation.  I have to come up with an exegetical paper topic.  Should I call my parents and see how my grandma is doing today?  I have to talk to the financial aide office about student loans.  I have to read and post a reply for my New Testament class on the discussion board.  Did I make my car payment this month?  I have 117 pages to read for theology by Thursday.  I have to talk with my brother about working with him this summer.  I have to read who-knows-how many pages for worship.  I have to figure out what I’m reading for New Testament.  Did I eat dinner last night?  I have to download the readings for exegesis.  I have to begin my final project for worship.  I have to email my theology professor and ask him to talk about the test in our colloquy.  I have to figure out what books I need for Greek this summer.  I have to contact my presbytery.  Did I send a thank you note to Mike and Sheila?  I have to look at what classes I need to take next fall.  I have to get my car into the shop soon.  I have to be awake and get to chapel.  I have to reply to the 4 emails I received in the past 20 minutes.

*****

This is the track listing to the album that is playing in my mind this week.  The tightness in the back of my neck, lack of sleep, and feeling like I should be doing something – always doing something – tells me that my old friends Stress, Anxiety, and Worry have come for a visit.

I know I should throw open my bible and read scripture, like Matthew 11:28, Psalm 55:22, 1 Peter 5:7, or Joshua 1:9.  And as I read these verses, do you know what happens?  Nothing.  I’m not finding rest, I’m not finding peace.  I don’t feel a little comforted, somewhat relieved, or even slightly un-burdened.  Am I reading these texts correctly?  Am I listening to the right music as I read these verses?  Am I a bad Christian?  Is my faith dwindling?  Crap…more things to worry about.

I don’t really think that any of these verses are some kind of magical spell that can solve all my problems, remove my feelings, and brighten my day with a quick read.  I think they point to a life that can have moments – days, weeks, months, even years – of comfort, safety, ease, and peace; all those feelings we want so much in this life.  But the text doesn’t say that we will always remain in those places.

Granted, God could take care of everything on my list in a nanosecond, but what good would it do me to not face all of these problems, struggles, and schoolwork?  No, God won’t take all of this away from me.  In this moment I’m called to act: to ‘be’ brave and ‘cast’ my worries; to ‘go’ to God and ‘take’ His yoke; to ‘let’ the peace of Christ rule my heart as I ‘humble’ myself before the Lord.  I don’t think this is a moment for me to be still, but instead it is a moment for me to take action alongside God.

I know I will whittle away at this list this week…and next…and the one after that.  I know these things will pass, and I know things will get better.  And I know, too, that the track list will build back up.  But I know that God is right here with me in all of this mess, and that most of this is just stuff I have to deal with.  I know I’ll get through this, and if you’re in this valley with me, rest assured that you’ll get through it, too.

much love. sheth.

From Obligation to Opportunity

How often do we use the phrase ‘have to…’, as in, “I have to go to class today” or “I have to go to my friend’s birthday party”?  Some things are obligatory, yes: I have to breathe oxygen or I will die; I have to drink water or I will dry up and become dust.  But when I stop and think of how often I use this phrase, I realize that I am taking away a great sense of awe, wonder, and extreme joy that I owe towards all things in life.

I’ve been working on replacing ‘have to…’ with ‘get to…’ and its made a wonderful shift in my way of thinking about life.  I don’t have to go to class – I get to go to class.   I don’t have to eat dinner – I get to eat dinner.  I don’t have to go to church – I get to go to church.  I don’t have to love my neighbor – I get to love my neighbor.

When our perspectives shift from have to and moves into get to, we can recognize all the blessings that we have around us.  We get to go to a grocery store and buy food.  We get to take a shower everyday because we have running water in our homes.  We get to drink water whenever we want because we have clean water everywhere around us.  We get to remain faithful to our partners because we’re in a loving relationship.

Oftentimes we’re so used to feeling obligated and burdened by the have to… in our lives that we forget how blessed we are to be able to even do these things.  When we step back for a moment and look at how secure, easy, readily available, and comfortable our lives are, we should count it all as pure joy that we don’t have to, we get to.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Judgment

For someone who hates being judged by others, I find myself being very judgmental.  I make split-second decisions about others based on the limited information I have about them, and (here’s the part that I really dislike) I leave it at that.  I hold on to my initial judgment and keep these people at a distance because my initial judgment keeps them there.

How silly of me to assume that my judgment is correct when it’s been proven time and again to be completely incorrect.  I’ve been lucky to have been able to get to know people who I previously pigeon-holed, and I’ve discovered them to be truly wonderful people; some of them I cherish more than they will ever know.

While I tend to keep people at a distance, my assumptions keep them at that distance.  I rarely go deeper into other people’s lives to understand who they truly are, and what makes them special and unique.  It’s safer to keep them at a distance than for me to be proven wrong.  How many great people have I kept away because of my initial judgment?

Certainly I may come to find out that we have conflicting personalities, but I need to work to that point instead of relying on my primary judgments.  Financier and philanthropist Bernard Baruch once said, “If you get all the facts, your judgment can be right; if you don’t get all the facts, it can’t be right.”  While Baruch may have been talking about investments, his idea can easily be applied to people and relationships.  I need to give people time – I need to sit down with them, I need to share a meal with them, and I need to know them – I may well find some great people along the way.

much love. sheth.

Complaint Line Starts Here

Have you ever had a really bad day?  Like, really bad, where from start to finish, everything that could possibly go wrong went spectacularly wrong?  Those days where, by 9 am, you’re ready to throw in the towel and call it a day, head back home, and go to bed?  I will admit proudly that I have had many of those days.

At the end of those days it’s good to go out with friends, have a beer, and lament about how terrible of a day we had, and I’m sure it’s just as good to be able to go home and talk with a spouse about the terrible, no-good day.  If our friends, spouses, or partners are worth their salt, they’ll let us whine and complain and cry for as long as we need to, never saying much more than a “mmhmm” or “ah” or “yeah”.  Then, when we’re finally finished, when we’ve gotten out our final complaint, when we’ve run out of breath and tears and problems, and everything is on the table, it is at that moment that the person we’ve confided in decides to speak.

They might offer up some sage words of advice; they might wrap their arms around us to comfort us; they might tell us we’re totally in the right and the problem needs to be fixed.  Yet, they might tell us we’re the problem and we need to fix ourselves; they might tell us we’re wrong; they might tell us we need to forgive.  Sometimes, they might say absolutely nothing at all and will let us sit in front of our big pile of messiness until it’s time to go home.

There was a time in my life when I was nearly non-stop complaining to God about my life: why did I get my heart broken, why couldn’t I find a job, when was I going to get ahead, why was the world a shit-storm, when would it start to turn around for the better, what was the meaning of it all?  I had a million questions, complaints, and problems to get out to God, and I was getting more and more frustrated by the day because there was no answer.  I would call out in a loud voice, screaming to the heavens for some reply, only to hear the silence around me.  The next day I would drop to my knees and beg for just a whisper from someone and be left on the ground.  The following day I would stare at the bible on my desk and complain for a good hour about how I refused to read that gibberish until God would at least acknowledge my list of complaints and questions.

For days and weeks this would continue: a one-man shouting match at God about everything in my world that I had complaints about, and getting no response.  I thought God either wasn’t there, wasn’t listening, or didn’t care.  When I had exhausted myself, when I had lost my spiritual voice, when I had put everything out on the table and had stopped in silence because I had nothing more to say, it was in that moment that God began to answer my call.

There are times when God will allow us to whine and moan until we exhaust ourselves before He begins to speak.  There are times when God will sit, like our friends at the bar, and let us get it all out before saying anything.  He might throw in a “mmhmm” or an “I know…” but for the most part God might be silent.  God will let us put everything out on the table before speaking, because He knows we won’t listen until we’ve had our say – until we’ve complained and whined and said it all.  Then God will look at it all with us and say, “Okay.  My beloved, you’ve got a lot on your plate, and we’re going to get through this.  First, let’s work on…” and slowly, patiently, calmly – but with determination – God will guide us through our pile of stuff and help us sort it all out.

God might throw some things away.  God might tell us that we’re going to have to hang on to some things a little longer.  God might tell us how to deal with other things.  God might heal us, or God might let us struggle a little longer.  But God will be there at the table with us, showing us how to get through it all.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Shitholes

Jefferson is this little city in Colorado that I have oftentimes driven through on my way to Denver. There’s a small grocery/diner/bar/bathroom surrounded by a few houses. Located in the South Park Valley where it’s cold and windy, as an outsider I always want to move through it as quickly as I can. I don’t want to stop, I don’t want to look at anything, I don’t want to be seen there.

We all know those back-water towns – the ones with one stoplight on the main thoroughfare. It’s tiny, dingy, a little messy, and if you blink you’d miss it. Google maps doesn’t offer any suggestions on where to stop and eat lunch. The city government has no website. No money is being spent there, no money is being made there, nothing is happening in this dot on the map. These are little towns, little places. The backwoods, the boonies, the outskirts, the sticks, the shitholes.

There are cities which have gathered the same status, not because they’re pass-through towns, but because they’ve been neglected and abandoned, mismanaged for years by local governments. Cities like East Saint Louis, Detroit, Birmingham, or El Paso. Cities with aging populations, little to no job growth, crumbling infrastructure, and declining local coffers, these cities are dropping to shithole status.

Recently, my country’s president labeled entire continents as shitholes. Why? It might be because they’re poorer than the U.S., or because they’re not as developed as the U.S. It might be because they’re in need of assistance, or because they’re not known for anything. It might be because no one ‘America Famous’ has come from there. It might even be because he has all kinds of pre-conceived notions of what those countries are (or are not). Whatever the reasoning, I can assume that he wasn’t the first to do so, and he won’t be the last.

A tiny village off in the hills of Galilee with no more than 500 people living there, eking out an existence, it’s just another pass-through village with nothing to see, nothing to do, no where to spend any money. No one of distinction has come from there – no one would claim to be from there. Just another shithole on the map that people avoid if they can. This is probably why Nathanael asked, “Can anything good come from Nazareth?” In my recently acquired Texas vocabulary, I might translate it with a fake smile on my face as: “He’s from Nazareth? Bless his heart”.

Something – someone – good came from Nazareth. Out of this little backwoods town, this shithole, Jesus Christ came into the world to bring love and reconciliation to the world. Just like my country’s president, I believe we’re all a little guilty of assuming that these small towns, these crumbling cities, these poor countries are nothing but a blip on the map. Places where, if they get anything from us they’ll get our pity and nothing more.

When we assume places are less-than-desirous for our standards, when we label them boonies, or outskirts, or shitholes, we take away the good that those places have. We not only lower the place, but we lower the people who live in that place. We are inevitably tied to where we come from – our identity is linked to our location. I’m from Colorado, so people assume I ski, hike, and smoke pot. I know people from Iowa, and I assume they look off into the never-ending horizon and eat corn. And before moving to Texas, I assumed they all ate BBQ, shot guns, and drove fast. But when I maintain these perceptions I miss out on the good that I don’t know about. I’ve learned that Texans also like to listen to loud music, have great Tex-Mex, are passionate, very friendly, and yes, they do eat BBQ (which is delicious). By labeling places as shitholes, we in turn label the people there as shitholes. Nathanael assumed because Nazareth was a bad place, that anyone coming out of there would be bad as well.

We label places and people as shitholes because we know nothing about them. We label things and people and places because they’re below our “high” standards. When we attach these labels to people and places, we lose the potential to see them as they really are. We lose the opportunity to get to know and explore and fall in love with them. I am as guilty as my country’s president of labeling people and things and places because I don’t know or understand them. And it makes me just as terrible a person as him.

But it’s where I choose to go from this point that will make the difference. As I move forward in my life, I’ll ask myself: What can I do to change my pre-conceived notions of places, and people, and things? What can I do to change my perceptions? How can I allow God to work in my life to change my vision and allow me to see these people and places as His dearly beloved creation? My friends, places are not shitholes. People are not shitholes. Finding the good and working to lift up people and places is more important than labeling them. Join me in moving beyond our thoughts and into the vision that God has of all of creation: beautiful, wonderful, and dearly loved.

much love. sheth.