Author: Sheth

Truth: Not Praying.

by ShethChristianity / Prayer / Relationships / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Not Praying.

It’s not uncommon for me to hear of requests for prayer, either through the churches I attend, on my Facebook Feed, or through my school’s email list, and I can read anywhere from one to three requests for prayer (or more) per day.  These don’t include the occasional texts I receive from friends or family, and the even rarer in-person requests for me to pray for something or someone.  And I always respond with a fervent ‘Yes! I’d be glad to pray!”  If I’m responding online or in a text, my responses usually include an exclamation point at the end to signify my excitement and urgency in this, my call to action:

Praying for you in this time!
Lifting you up in prayers now!
Going to God with this immediately!
You’re in my prayers today and always!
#praying #interceding #headbowedhandsfolded

But the truth is, my actions usually never go beyond these responses.  While I’m eager to pray and willing to do so, the requests come to my prayer inbox but don’t go straight to my prayer outbox…they just kind of sit there, marked as read and perpetually in limbo for eternity.  I’m terrible at following through in my responses to prayer requests.  Being on the opposite side of the table – the one requesting prayer – I recognize how important it is to know others are lifting me or my issues up to God, and I count on those who respond that they will pray to do as they say.  So why can’t I do it?

I’m not not-praying in some malicious way.  I’m not intentionally telling people I’ll pray and give them hope, only to not pray for them.  I don’t sit at my computer or with my phone in hand replying and thinking (with a Snidely Whiplash tone in my voice), “Ha Ha!  I’ll say that I’m praying, but in reality I won’t think about their injured puppy ever again! Muahahahaha!”

And I’m not not-praying because I don’t believe in the power of prayer, either.  I value prayer and the idea that we can approach God with confidence and humility and present our requests, thoughts, frustrations, ideas, hopes, dreams, fears, and questions.  There’s something deeply reassuring to know that the Creator has time to sit and listen to me and my voice amid the myriad of other voices crying out.

I think my reason for not praying is that these requests tend to show up at ‘inconvenient’ times for me, and my selfishness gets in the way.  I respond with fervor and willingness, but I always back it up with me making a half-hearted mental note, “Hey, don’t forget to pray for Annie’s nephew later…and don’t forget to buy deodorant.”  And I never do it.  My mind moves on to the next thing, the next problem in front of me, the next issue going on in my world and I never return to pray for Annie’s nephew, or my parents’ health, or my friend’s marriage, or teenagers I know who are struggling, or for my country, or for my church home, or for that family who lost their father, or…or…or…

It’s not like I don’t have anything to pray about – I just tend to lose it in the shuffle of my life.  I put it aside for later and never return to it.  And part of why I don’t just pray for it then and there is because I think there are more pressing matters at hand which…which is stupid, because very little of what I ever do is more important than praying.  When I think about it, the things that come into view that keep me from praying are just ridiculous compared to talking to God about Annie’s nephew or that teenager or my friend’s marriage.  Rich Mullins wrote, “…the stuff of Earth competes for the allegiance I owe only to the Giver of all good things…”  And the ‘stuff of earth’ usually wins: Facebook…the news cycle…phone notifications…some TV show…games…a shiny light…there’s so much going on around us to draw me away from getting down and praying in the moment I say I’m going to pray.

Honestly, I’m ashamed of myself for doing this for so long,  I’m ashamed because I have said I’m going to do something and then don’t do it.  I’m ashamed for not putting others before my silly-life-things.  I’m ashamed for not immediately going to God with these requests.  God have mercy on me in the midst of my failures, and may I have the ability to change.  And may the stuff of Earth never take priority over talking with my Creator.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Comprehension.

by ShethChristianity / Essay / Love / Prayer / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Comprehension.

My grandmother’s frail hands slightly shook, uncontrolled, as they waivered over the opened Bible in front of her.  She looked at me, then back to the text, and then back at me.  I could see the frustration in her eyes: she was frustrated because she wanted to talk to me and ask me questions about the book, but she was also frustrated by the book itself.  She pushed her weakened voice until a tiny sentence came out, ragged and quiet, “How do I read this?”

In her 95 years my grandma encountered the Bible many times – she had been to church for nearly all those years, had a close relationship with God, and fostered the love of her Creator in her children and grandchildren.  Over the last few years of her life she occasionally admitted to me that she had struggled in reading and understanding the Bible and all it entailed.  Her beliefs never waivered much, but she wrestled with comprehending the words she read.

In that moment as we sat together in the nursing home, I desperately wanted to say something profound and inspirational to her.  I wanted to say something that would console her in her final weeks on this earth; I thought for a second and blurted out, “Keep doing what you’re doing.  Read, ask questions, pray, re-read, pray, ask questions.  And repeat that again and again.”  I smiled and held her hand, but I knew my answer wasn’t entirely profound, and definitely not inspirational.  I knew that my words frustrated her even more.

It was hard to guide my grandmother at that moment in how to read the Bible because she knew the Bible – she lived out its pages all her life as she fed the hungry and gave to the needy (Proverbs 31:20), raised a good family (Proverbs 31:28), encouraged her friends (Hebrews 10:25), talked with others about God (Mark 16:15), brought my grandpa utter joy and love (Proverbs 12:4), built a strong household (Proverbs 14:1), and tried to understand the Word (Proverbs 1:7).  She wasn’t just a hearer of the word, but a doer (James 1:22).

My grandma sought after God and found what she was looking for in spite of her doubts, fears, and frustrations.  She may have thought she wasn’t doing this Christianity thing right, but she was doing it exactly the way it should be done.  She plowed forward and fought to find God so she could hear that still, small voice in the deserts of her life.  She professed her love of God with her voice, with her smile, with her love for others.  She understood the Bible more than she thought she did, and taught many others around her how to understand it as well.

Truthfully, I would do well to heed the same words I gave my grandma and act as she did because I, too, struggle to understand the Bible.  Despite the classes I’ve taken in (and out) of seminary, I often feel that I don’t know much of anything, and I often wonder if I’m doing anything right.  I suppose part of my struggle is that I want to do everything correctly and honor what I read before I put it into practice, but I’m putting it into practice and not perfection.  I’m going to screw up, I’m going to make mistakes and errors (a lot – trust me, I will), but thankfully God gives me (and you, and my grandma) lots of leeway to try and figure it out as we go.

May we read, ask questions, pray, re-read, ask questions, pray, and re-read the word of God until we comprehend the tiniest of details, and may we act according to what we read, even if we don’t understand fully how to do it.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Flying Solo.

by ShethChristianity / Life / Love / Relationships / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Flying Solo.

.In order to shut my mind down at the end of the night, I often imagine myself in certain situations: super-secret spy, lonely drifter, inspirational teacher/coach, or mountain man. This last one tends to capture my interest a lot as I place myself in the wilderness of British Columbia, hundreds of miles from civilization with only a few small items to survive. I usually imagine going to this place to get away from it all and to live my life in peace, seclusion, and quiet.

While my imagination can take with this scenario a thousand different ways, I almost always run into a snag – there are certain times when I need help, either with lifting the beams for my hewn-log cabin, or carrying a moose through the swamplands, or fending off a pack of wolves. As much as I would like to imagine living life in solitude, I still run into the fact that I need others in my life.

I’ve tended to follow this train of thought in my real life as well, “I can do this on my own!” only to realize that a board is too heavy, or my car will fall on top of me, or I can’t face having a difficult conversation alone. The truth is I need people in my life to push me forward, to help me when I need it, to encourage me, to chastise me, to keep me accountable…I can’t do this life alone.

I had a sampling of beer with a friend yesterday and as we were talking about seminary, life, family, and my future, I realized how important this relationship is to me. Over the past week of being back in my hometown I’ve met with seven friends who truly care about me and want to help me succeed. They desire nothing but the best for me and hope I can become the real ‘Sheth’ they know is within me. These relationships move me beyond myself and my selfish thinking (that I can do life alone) and they help me realize that others care deeply about me.

As hard as we try, we need relationships with other people. Recently, I ran across this show “Mountain Men” on the History Channel and it intrigued me for a number of reasons, but mainly that these tough, rugged, scraggly people in remote locations depend on other tough, rugged, scraggly people for their survival. They reach out to one another to hunt, build homes, farm, raise their kids, chase off mountain lions, pick berries, drink wine, laugh, and play games. All people need people.

I’m about to wrap up my time in Salida and probably won’t be back for a few months, but I know I have a large group of people here who will always be there for me, will prod me on in life, and will call me out when needed. And as I return to Austin, I know I have a large group of friends there who will do the exact same thing. I shake my head at my former self for trying so desperately to go at it alone, but now I know the importance of living snd doing life with others.

May God grant us wisdom to reach out for others, and may the Creator place people in our lives who will help us to be who we are meant to be.

much love. sheth.

Truth: In Love.

by ShethChristianity / Life / Love / Relationships / Truth Tuesday1 Comment on Truth: In Love.

I’ve tried to look at myself through God’s eyes, and usually the only thing I can say afterward is, “Ugh…don’t bother.” I know me, the things I’ve done, and the person I am, and I can’t imagine God looking too kindly on me. But the Divine doesn’t have my vision. God knows that I’m not who I think I am – God knows me for who I truly am and keeps close by me: propping me up, giving me food and drink, and helping me through life. God keeps close to me and stays by my side because God loves me – not for anything else, not for any personal gains – the Divine just loves me.

For the past two years my parents and my aunt took care of my grandmother as she lived out her final years in the local nursing home. Essentially a full-time job and taking shifts, the three of them made sure that my grandma’s needs, wants, and desires were met. They gave her more attention, care, and love in one day than most ever receive while coming to the end of their lives in that building. The three of them sacrificed their own wants, their own desires, their own needs for the sake of their mother. They did it because they loved her – not for anything else, not for any personal gains – they just loved her.

Being involved in youth ministry over the years, I have witnessed parents struggle with how to deal with their teenage children. I’ve heard (and continue to hear) countless stories of kids having reckless sex, experimenting with drugs, behavioral issues, academic struggles, broken friendships, betrayal, lies, deceit, manipulation, depression…the list is as long as there are kids in this world. These parents are often at their wit’s end – not knowing what to do, where to go, or how to deal with their children. These parents read books, attend seminars, watch videos, ask questions, and keep their doors (to their houses and their hearts) open for when their kids are ready to return home. They do it because they love their kids – not for anything else, not for any personal gains – they just love them.

I’ve witnessed friendships turn to turmoil as the balance shifts from give and take to just take – one person sapping money, time, and possessions from the other. These friendships were once strong, with each giving and receiving equally with generosity and gratitude, but for whatever reason the relationship devolved into something terrible and greedy. The friend who is taking may not realize that the balance has shifted because there are deeper issues that they’re dealing with. But the giver keeps giving out of love for their friend and hopes that they will return to old times soon. They do it because they love their friend – not for anything else, not for personal gains – they just love them.

Over the past few months I’ve wrestled with love in my own life: I have a friend who became a romance, and while it was well and good, she was not entirely well and good, and wasn’t quite ready for a relationship. As we ended things, I was heartbroken because I had begun to invest my heart in her and had hoped for something more. For me, it’s easiest to end the relationship with a complete omission of that person from my life. But with her, I choose to remain friends and I continue to spend time with her – going to the store with her, meeting her in raggedy bars, studying with her, breaking bread with her, praying with her, discussing books with her, watching bad reality TV shows with her. I remain in her life, and she in mine, because I love her – not for anything else, not for personal gains – I just love her.

Truthfully, love isn’t always hearts and flowers and happy times (though sometimes it is) – usually love is mundane, chaotic and occasionally the undesired things and moments in life. Love is the good and the bad, the ugly and the pretty, the messy and the organized. Love is found in taking care of others, relentlessly holding out hope for the lost, sacrificing self, in waiting, and in being present.

May we love as unconditionally and wildly as we have been loved, and may we never back away from it.

.much love. sheth.

Truth: Breaking Point.

by ShethChristianity / Life / Love / Relationships / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Breaking Point.

I’ve often wondered if Jesus ever got fed up with the disciples.  Did Bartholomew ask one too many questions, to the point that Jesus just got up and walked away?  Was there ever a moment when Jesus actually called out Judas’ for his sticky fingers in the moneybag?  Did Andrew ever ‘flat-tire’ Jesus, thinking it would be funny, but it only annoyed the Master? When Jesus was questioning Pete about the depth of his love, did Jesus need to ask three times, or was it just because the fisherman couldn’t get the concept?

Certainly, most wouldn’t want to read about Jesus snapping at his closest friends because it seems like that wouldn’t be very “Christ-like”.  But we can’t assume that Jesus allowed everyone to walk all over him in his state of love, either.  There must have been a balance – some way to be divinely loving but still humanly emotive.  He must have had boundaries, coping mechanisms, and friends who knew when to back away and recognize that He needed to be left alone.  I think Jesus demonstrated that the choice to love people is, more often than not, a difficult and trying act.

This past spring I had a flood of emotions as I realized just how beautiful, lovely, and amazing everyone around me is – both to me and to God – and I had a small taste of what God sees both in me and in the world.  But lately it’s been exhausting to just love (and love and love and love) in spite of what others say or do.  Little things annoy me with my classmates, my community, and my world.  Big things dig at me and grate at my patience.  I’m living life on the edge (and not the cool, wicked-awesome edge) of snapping.  Lately I have been wondering a few things: how the heck did Jesus just love others without going off the handle?  How do I balance between loving someone but still not having to like someone (is this even possible)?

My life right now in seminary has often been compared to a family…or a workplace…or a marriage…any way you make the comparison, the fact is that we are a group of people incredibly close together.  We are in class together, we are studying together, we are eating together, we are living together, we are going to the Local together…we are always together.  I imagine Jesus and the disciples in a similar situation.  They wandered Galilee like a traveling football team, but without the proper equipment.  They traveled to various towns performing miracles, feeding people, teaching them, giving completely of themselves and sleeping somewhere in the woods at night.

Truthfully, I think Jesus was able to cope with his disciples because he often went off alone.  He took the time to go do things by himself.  The text in Luke says that Jesus, “…would withdraw to deserted places and pray.”  In our minds I think we picture Jesus in benevolence before his father pouring out his heart about the world and the things going on around him – we imagine the divinity of Jesus in this moment.  But if we switch our minds over to thinking of Jesus’ humanity in this moment, the picture somehow changes and he becomes more like us.  Maybe he withdrew to go fishing; maybe he went off to shout and scream and complain about the disciples to God; maybe he went and just drew pictures in the sand; maybe he went for a hike.  Jesus had the weight of the world on his shoulders and the burden of discipling 12 men – he had a lot on his plate!

Jesus never loved any less in these moments – if anything he loved more because he knew he needed that space to re-center himself and his purpose.  If he was going to be useful, helpful, and a good teacher, he knew he needed some solitary time to do things for himself.  I’m sure in these moments he admitted that he didn’t always like the way Philip drank from a well, or was furious when they all argued over who was the greatest disciple, or was frustrated with people following him everywhere and never giving him a moment of peace.  He might not have liked these things, but he still loved the people.

There will be moments when people really annoy us and when we just don’t like others.  I love my friends, but I still have moments when I think I should just ditch them and start over (and I write this knowing they’ll read this, but they’ll understand).  We all have that point where we need to take a break from others and love ourselves.  It’s the most responsible thing to do, honestly, and it keeps relationships alive.  If Jesus – God-incarnate – needed time away from those he loved, I think it’s safe to say that we have permission to do so, as well.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Planning.

by ShethLife / Love / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Planning.

This past weekend I joined my family in laying my grandmother’s remains to rest. She lived 95 incredible years on this earth – growing up in the wake of the Great Depression on dusty farmland in Illinois, raising a family on pennies a day, and traipsing across the country with my grandfather where he worked for the National Park Service in then-remote places like the Grand Canyon, Jackson Hole, and the Grand Tetons.

As I looked out at those in attendance at her service, I realized that there weren’t many people in the seats, but it’s understandable because she out-lived most of her friends. In 95 years she’s seen and done and been to more places than most will ever experience. She witnessed countless wars and recessions, the evolution from small airplanes on this planet to spacecraft on distant planets. She lived as the Supreme Court made gigantic, landmark decisions that changed our country. She saw people born, live their lives, and pass away. In her life on this earth she did more than she ever dreamed, more than she ever imagined, more than she ever hoped.

I was talking with a friend recently about long-term goals in life and neither one of us have ever seriously sat down and made goals because we never expected to live long-term. Both of us had contemplated suicide as youths and assumed that we didn’t need to make those kinds of goals. I was telling my friend about being in my high school career planning classes and having to write down five- and ten-year goals for my future and I couldn’t do it – I never dreamed that far ahead. At the time it seemed pointless and a waste of time. Even now I don’t regret my choice to not make those kinds of plans in life because I was dealing with larger issues than dreaming of the future. I was trying to survive the present.

And truthfully, now it’s a bit of a relief knowing I can do anything. I have no big goals that I have to attain or fail to achieve. The world and my future is wide open. I think that’s the way my grandmother lived her life, too. She didn’t have plans for her life: she went where she chose to go, learned to love the people and places she encountered, and made the best of any situation. No doubt she dreamed about doing things and going places, but she wasn’t let down when she couldn’t. She used her time to enjoy the people and places that were in her presence and didn’t get disappointed with the lost prospect of being somewhere else.

Certainly I have broad hopes and dreams – to be in a loving and committed relationship, serve others with all I have, care for my family…but these are all things I can do at any time. There is no telos to these hopes and dreams; I won’t think, “Well, I’m married. Good work, Sheth. I’m done with that.” I will have to work hour by hour, day by day on that relationship. These hopes and dreams I have are part of my ‘being’ – am I being loving today, am I being caring and compassionate to others, am I being a servant? I’m living my life in the present and doing what I can to enjoy each moment as it happens.

May the Creator of the present give us sight to be present and relish our time.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Nose Goes!

by ShethChristianity / Prayer / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Nose Goes!

When it comes to praying, I’ve noticed that since middle school there’s always been a rush to see who could touch their nose first – the last to do so having to pray in front of the group.  As a shy and introverted teenager I wasn’t always thrilled to pray in front of others and was usually the first to have my index finger on my snout.  But as I’ve grown older and more comfortable in speaking with God, I’m usually the one who ends up praying – partially because my reflexes aren’t as cat-like as they once were, but mostly because I’m okay with praying in a group.

In truth, for me, my faith is one of the few places where I let people into my life to see who I am – I don’t always let people know my personal stuff (family issues, self-doubts, frustrations, loneliness), so to pray in public is fine with me.  I’d rather be vulnerable and stripped bare in my faith than in other places in my life.  I find comfort in being open in my faith because it’s one place where I know others are uncomfortable and feel just as nervous and terrified and unsure about it as I do, and I know that most won’t judge me for where I’m at in the whole thing.

For the most part I think people enjoy and see the necessity to pray to God; what people don’t always relish is praying in front of other people.  There’s a certain amount of vulnerability involved in speaking to our deity and oftentimes we do it in a very naked way.  In those moments of speaking with God we are stripped of all pretenses, all airs of greatness, all pompousness and we are who we really are apart from everything we’ve made ourselves to be.

To be that naked and that vulnerable with other people can be scary.  That’s where I think a lot of people get hung up when praying out-loud – we’re afraid of judgement.  We’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, saying something outlandish or improper, not having the right words or phrases, or not being concise.  We’re afraid that someone will judge our way of praying and we feel that it’s better to remain silent than to be vulnerable.

But by praying together, I hope that these moments can be places where relationships can grow and form and strengthen.  In our most bare times do we find our places of connection.  When someone else in a group prays with me I find a bridge to them – they are speaking to the same God and are giving words to the same feelings and thoughts and emotions I may be having.  In those moments I feel most alive, most connected, and least terrified of being alone.  Praying with others puts me on a team, places me in the hearts and minds of others, drawing me into them and they into me.

My friends, may there never be a moment of nose-goes in your prayer lives!  Pray together and be together.  Let us strip away all of our doubts and fears and be open in those moments of speaking with God as one body.  Let us be free of judgement of ourselves and others and let us grow together, fully knowing God and one another.

much love. sheth.

Truth: Existence.

by ShethChristianity / Life / Seminary / Truth TuesdayLeave a Comment on Truth: Existence.

During a recent homework session with a few of my friends from my Biblical Greek class, one of my classmates gave me this flash card.  I’m not sure why exactly she gave it to me, but I’ve kept it and it’s been sitting on my desk for about a week.  I’ve been studying it: the Greek itself is correct, as is the English translation, so I’m not sure why she gave it to me.

But as I’ve been looking at it day after day, I’ve come to the realization that, from time to time, maybe we all feel the need to give a card like this to people in our world.  I think we all have moments when we want to reach out to others and have them see us and acknowledge our existence.

I’m a fairly shy person by nature, and I’d rather be a wallflower than the center of attention in almost any situation.  But, I’d still like for people to, at the very least, acknowledge that I am present and that I exist.  It’s one thing to know that people know I’m there, it’s another thing to know I’m ignored completely.  Truthfully, there are many times when I can come and go from a party, a class room, or a church and no one would ever know I was there to begin with; I was a ghost of a person – my existence (outside of my own knowledge) was never made known.

Now, certainly there is a bit of work to do on my part – I need to at least say hello to a few people, chat up someone, make a joke, talk about the weather – but there also needs to be work done by others as well.  We all need to be intentional in finding everyone at a party, at an event, in a classroom, on the street, or in a place of worship.

One of the greatest things I’ve heard from a friend recently was a comment made towards me: “I see you.”  This shook my core because even though I hadn’t done anything at all, she still went out of her way to acknowledge me as a human being and to confirm my existence.  It was a simple gesture that lifted my spirits in a way that few other things had done that day.

These little gestures of seeing can go a long way to make people feel alive: a simple hello to a stranger in the grocery store, a few small coins given to the panhandler on the corner, a genuine question of “How is your day?” to the convenience store clerk, a smile and wave to a neighbor.  These are simple acts that tell others that we see them, that we know they are, and that we know they exist.

May God give us the eyes and voice to witness others’ existence in this fast-moving world, and may others do the same for us.

much love. sheth.