Recently I went before my presbytery to move forward in my ordination process and had to face a variety of questions about myself and my calling asked by church pastors and elders.  I stood before that fine group of people with my soul bare and naked and I attempted to answer their questions as best I could.  I managed to give an answer to every question, but there is one question I’m still wrestling with: “Tell us about the last time you interacted with – had a conversation with – a non-believer.”

I looked down at the ground, shuffled my feet, and tried to figure out when that last time was… when did I last interact with a non-believer?  Outside of the cashiers and other service-people I had given my money to, I couldn’t think of an honest and real interaction I’ve had recently.

My realization in that moment wasn’t a shock to me because I live in an insular community: I live with, eat with, study with, and recreate with my seminary classmates.  I haven’t ventured out to make friends outside this place because I’ve never before experienced a place where I can so freely ask questions about faith, about God, about church, and not have to worry about my questions.  While I haven’t recently had a conversation with a non-believer, I’ve realized that it’s been a very healthy few years of solely-Christian based conversations.

Seminary has been a place for me to wonder, to grow, to mull…a place where I have been able to get a better understanding of my beliefs, my faith, and my church.  Seminary has been a place where I have been able to discern, discuss, and debate…all while feeling free of judgement, ridicule, and persecution.  I have been able to hone my thoughts, understand who I am, and who I am in relation to God.

But realizing that it’s been nearly three years since I’ve last had a “real world” conversation, I know that I need to step out beyond these grounds and get back into those spaces.  Not because the world needs me, but because I need it.  I need those discussions, those push-backs, those disagreements.  I need opposition to help me grow.

May we find time to sit and talk with people who don’t share our same beliefs. May we make room in our lives for different ideas…opinions…and thoughts.
May we welcome disagreements and respond in compassion and love.

much love. sheth.

As a child I received my fair share of spankings.  My parents never doled them out in anger and rarely did they act in the moment.  And they never truly hurt – the mere thought of the punishment was what caused me to cry – getting caught was never a happy moment.  While spanking was a good punishment for a time, the act ended when I started laughing as my mom was spanking me and she discovered I had placed magazines in my pants to ease the blows.  My punishments shifted to having my Gameboy taken away, being sent to my room, or denied having friends over to play.

These acts were certainly good for my attitude and were well-deserved, but honestly they were fairly rare for me as I was a pretty decent kid.  When I did mess up, I would end up having a talk with either one of my parents and then the hammer would fall in judgement.

In my final years of high school, my parents began to use the most detrimental punishment of all: “We’re really disappointed in the way you acted.”  There was no consequence, no physical punishment, no spanking – just that sentence.  And it truthfully hurt me more than any other punishment I had experienced.  If I messed up or did something wrong, they’d tell me that they were disappointed by my actions and then leave me alone.  And my heart would break.

I believe my parents – either when they were spanking me, grounding me, or speaking truths into my life – were not disappointed in me, but disappointed by my actions.  They knew that I knew better, yet I chose to not be better.  I knew not to swear or yell or lash out in anger, but I did.  I knew that there were certain people I shouldn’t hang out with, but I did.  I knew not to smoke, drink or chew (or go with girls that do), but I did.   My short-term vision couldn’t see the long-term danger of these people, actions, and things.

When it comes to my spiritual life, I think God is oftentimes disappointed in my actions.  God knows I can do better.  God knows I can be better.  God knows that I know better.  But sometimes I choose to not do what I should.  Nothing I do surprises God, but when I make those choices they bring disappointment with them.  Like my parents, God isn’t disappointed with me, but is disappointed with my choices.

Life is challenging, difficult, and filled with all kinds of ways for us to slip up and miss the mark.  God wants us to be good, decent, loving, kind, generous, and forgiving but knows we’ll screw up on occasion.  More often than not, we will do the things we know we shouldn’t.  But we should always remember that God loves us and wants only the best for us.

May God give us the ability to learn from our mistakes, and never wallow in disappointment, but get back up and try to be better.  May we generously and lovingly forgive when others disappoint us.  May we know that God loves us and is never disappointed in us, but in our poor choices and actions.

much love. sheth.

Either asking me or those closest to me, people often wonder if I ever get angry.  I usually respond by repeating a line from the old T.V. show The Incredible Hulk: “You won’t like me when I’m angry.”  While kind of cool and mysterious, it’s also an ashamedly apt descriptor of what people feel when I’m angry.  While I have yet to meet anyone whom I like when they are angry, I despise myself in those moments because the worst part of who I am comes out.

The truth is that I don’t know how to deal with my anger which is why so few people have witnessed me in that emotion, and why I don’t often express it.  And just like any emotion, if it’s not utilized, it can be destructive when it rears its head.  On those rare occasions when I do pop the top on my bottled up anger, it all comes out.  I’m like a bottle of Coke and a Mentos has just been dropped in.  Everything that has been making me angry since the last explosion comes raging out of my mouth, and God help the people who are around me in that moment.

I usually start with the immediate thing that set off the chain reaction and in an extended rant, I use every foul adjective I can come up with to describe it all.  And then the stuff that’s been hiding comes spewing out: that thing that happened yesterday; that person that cut me off in traffic last week; the time a fellow student said something ridiculous in class.  I don’t always know where this stuff is coming from and am often surprised by all the hidden history that exudes from my mouth.  When all is said and done and I’m exhausted – mentally and emotionally – I put the cap back on the bottle and go on with my life.

I’m not proud of the things that I say when this happens, and I’m definitely not proud that I don’t have a better handle on this emotion.  I often wonder if I don’t express my anger because I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings or if I bottle it up because anger isn’t an attractive personality trait.  I wonder if anger is ‘Christian’ (whatever that means) or if I hold it back because I know how ugly I get and don’t want to subject others to my tirades.

If I’m to be wholly ‘me’ and all that I am, I have to recognize that anger is part of me.  I think it’s part of all of us – it’s a God-given emotion.  But it’s how we deal with it, how we act it out, how we use it that makes it either ‘good’ or ‘bad’.  Anger can be a good thing and is a valid emotion that can produce good and useful outcomes: MLK and civil rights, Gandhi and Indian Independence, the 1968 Prague Spring.

I’m reminded of Ephesians 4:25-26: “So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another.  Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger…”  We are given the opportunity to be angry, though it is followed by one condition – do not sin.  We should always speak the truth with whomever we are with, and we can be angry (if warranted), but we shouldn’t sin in the process.

In my anger I sin because I don’t speak truthfully to my neighbor.  I don’t voice my anger at what they are doing and allow the offense to continue.  In my anger I sin because I direct my anger at the person and not at the content which made me angry: You’re making me angry! vs. Your action is making me angry.

I think it’s important to understand this small distinction because it keeps anger from being hurtful: be angry at the offense, not the offender.  Be angry at the systems, not at those people in power.  Be angry at the issue, not those around it.  We can be angry at what we do to one other, and it should be called out and resolved, but we should cover those offenses with love after they’ve been dealt with.

In no way am I saying that this is easy.  In no way am I saying that I’m going to do this correctly from here on out.  But I’m going to try.  I’m going to call out what angers me, tell those around the situation that it angers me, and I’m going to direct my energy toward fixing it.  And I’m going to love…as much as I can, I’m going to love.

much love. sheth.