A while back I had to have a few tests done for my heart (I wrote about my heart stuff here). The first test was a treadmill stress test which showed an ‘abnormality’ and necessitated a second, more complete test (which should have been the starting place, but the healthcare system is broken and out to make money blah blah blah).
This second test was called a CTA scan – a technicians injected me with dye and then they took very detailed pictures of my heart as it was functioning and working. After the test I was discharged from the hospital and sent home to wait for the results, which came back a few weeks ago. It turns out that I have a ‘grossly normal’ heart, meaning there couldn’t possibly be anything wrong with it at all – it’s ‘right as rain’ as they say. I’m fine!
And honestly, I was slightly disappointed.
Disappointed that there were no abnormalities…
Disappointed that there was nothing wrong with my heart…
Disappointed that the only explanation for my chest pain is high blood pressure…
…and that I did this to myself.
It’s because of my poor choices that I am in this situation and I can’t blame anyone else, which makes it hard to not beat up on myself. I don’t know where else to put the blame, the anger, the sadness that this is what my life has become – it’s solely my fault. I am to blame, and it’s hard to not be mad and disappointed at me.
But somehow I thank God for that. I thank God that as I go through this process of medications and walking and dietary changes, I know that I got myself into this mess and I can get myself out of it. I know that I have the power to make poor choices and I have the power to make good choices. I know that God is there with me through it all – disappointed in my choices but never in me – and will give me what I need when I need it. I just have to listen to God’s still, small voice – or the really loud one that I definitely hear! It’s not easy to make lifestyle changes…nor is it easy to make internal dialogue changes…but it can be done with time, patience, and persistence.
And grace – lots of grace.
much love. sheth.